A year ago, I told my chemistry teacher, "I'm only 18. I hope I've barely even lived past a quarter of my lifetime yet. Whatever happens, happens. I'm too young to think I've already failed." We were talking about exam anxiety and he was trying to reassure us that everything was going to be alright. He was worried, he said, because at that point, we were on the 3rd week of examinations and several students have broken down on several occasions. And when I said that line, he was taken aback. He has mentioned it to me multiple times since then that what I said that day positively shocked him, and that he has since repeated those words to his current students-- much to my slight embarrassment. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous while I said those lines. My friend, who was with us in our conversation, said that I exuded a calm and collected confidence. Little did she know, that on the inside, I was filled with nervous energy. Little did they know that at the time, I realised way too late that I spoke out loud the words that I had only been repeating quietly to myself as an anchor of reassurance as to not to break down. Nonetheless, I believed those words at the time because I wanted to believe in it.
Now, whenever I try to do something, it just doesn't work out. It fails before I even get to work on it. It's like having the brakes slammed before I even turn the key but the brake-slamming is not done by me and no matter how hard I push back against my seat in order to firmly press on the accelerator, the force on the brakes are stronger than me. ![]() Frustrating is an understatement because to be honest, eff tap, tap, tapping on the glass. I'm not Evan Hansen, I have been pounding on the glass, and I have been using reflectors to grab the attention of anyone and everyone on the other side of that damn window. Now, why nobody else seems to notice my efforts is beyond me but I don't plan on stopping, yet. Honestly, I was crying when I began to write this post because I felt miserable from getting rejected, yet again, for the 3rd time this month. However, now, I just feel wronged. If you're wondering, I was just told that there are no more seats available in a language course I have been waiting for since October 2017. Not to sound entitled or anything but their website said "First come, first serve," and so, in my determination, I had a stake-out on their website until the forms were available. I filled out the forms in a jiffy and sent them back immediately, on the day they were released. Why I was put on a different class (not the one I applied for), then when I brought it to their attention, put on the waiting list of the class I actually applied for, and then ultimately told that they have no more seats available for me, is beyond me. "I'm only 18. I hope I've barely even lived past a quarter of my lifetime yet. Whatever happens, happens. I'm too young to think I've already failed." At the beginning of this post, as I mentioned, I was feeling very down. My gap year, so far, well, let's just say that it didn't go as I planned at all. When I was offered a place for an internship, I couldn't go because of transportation issues. Whenever I wanted to participate and volunteer to events, some of them, only occurring once a year, to most of them, again, I could not go. When I was told that I would be going to Singapore where transportation won't be an issue anymore and where opportunities, such as the ones I mentioned, are more abundant-- again, I was not able to go. Universities, I've filled out so many forms and spent a couple hundreds already on application fees, and yet, I still don't know where I am going to study this Fall. At times, I even worry and fear that I may not have anywhere to enroll to for this Fall. I've hunted down activities, searched for opportunities that curve around my limitations, and the language course was one of them because finally, its timing might be tight but it nonetheless fits the schedule-- only to be turned down yet again. I have been vocally assured by many people, including myself, that "it's not the end of the world yet," and that "everything's going to be alright, just have faith." These do not define who you are, they say. Then... what defines me? Words fail. At the beginning of this post, I was feeling very down. I needed to express my misery but the more I wrote and thought about it, I just became angry. Words failed me. No matter how enthusiastic I made myself sound, how interested I expressed myself-- and even on the times when I almost pleaded the world to just give me a chance and give me the opportunities I deeply hoped for, I still failed. But, I only failed to them. I haven't failed to myself yet. If anything, I'm only as determined as ever now. Call it stubborn, if you will, but... "I'm not Evan Hansen. I will pound, pound, pound into that glass until it breaks. And, I won't just be waving through the window to grab people's attention. I'll go through the window and wave my hands right in front of their faces."
0 Comments
|
Notes from the author: If you'd like to have a conversation with me about anything I've written in this blog, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, memes, or anything at all, slide into my DMs at:
![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
Categories
All
Archives
October 2022
|