I am a pretty independent person. And yes, I am guilty of micromanaging when it comes to group projects. If you've ever been a group-mate of mine and have any ill feelings towards me, I just want you to know that I'm sorry but aye, we got good grades, didn't we? But that's exactly it, I'm used to being in charge. And frankly, for the longest time, people let me. But, in two separate occasions recently, I experienced what it was like to step back and not take the lead, not really because I didn't want to. Unfortunately, I think I might have reached my limit when it comes to the amount of things I am able to juggle at the same time. Yes, I may have plateaud. Will I accept it? No. I'm working on fixing it, realigning my priorities and fixing my schedule but in the meantime, I will admit that yes, I have reached my juggling limit. Moving on.
Anyways, I submitted late, I felt bad. So, I wanted to help out in layout. I wanted to be in charge with visuals. What happened? Time difference. The person who was doing the layout sent the other articles to me late when I was already asleep. When I woke up, I thought it was way too late to contribute so I left it. In the end, my only role in the project was to write my own article. That was it. Finito. I felt so useless. I don't know if you can understand how I feel about it. And then, by the end, one of my group-mates who frankly didn't do any copywriting was named copy-editor. (Well, admittedly she passed her piece earlier than I did, so yes, I was a little annoyed but now no, not anymore.) Hopefully, I'll still get a decent grade but still, this project made me feel frustrated. At the end of the day, I do take after my dad, I am a know-it-all.
Okay, so how I fucked this up was timing yet again. The night before I had to pass this project, I was working on a project all night. Like, I literally did not sleep. I was awake for 24 hours. And so naturally, I woke up kinda late at night to work on the project. When I woke up, I had 4 hours to do it. And frankly, my job was to edit the draft and then send it. Just when I started writing the draft (I had 2 hours left at that point), I noticed that the job wasn't as easy as I had assumed. My group-mates, who wrote the first draft, didn't write it in quite the way a research paper of that style should be written. And also, they included citations that had no references-- so I had to retrace their steps and look for the sources myself. In the end, when I was already late, then I notice that we didn't cite any journal articles. So yep, just saying, not totally my fault. But the late thing was, I admit. In short, I finished the project at 2AM. And sent it then. I made up some lame excuse to somehow buffer my tardiness and it worked a lil bit because we didn't fail. But still, I felt this was on me because I sent it late. My excuse didn't work. I sent it late and we got a low grade.
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As I'm writing this, I've just gotten back from my 1st major test for my Zoology Lecture class this sem. And in simple terms, it went not well. For this test, I actually tried to study. Emphasis on try because I didn't go overboard with it, but I did study. I read through the material, although admittedly, I didn't finish. I tried to remember as many details as I can. I even woke up twice in the middle of the night to try to study some more. That's why, this morning, I wasn't feeling very jittery. I had a great morning, in fact. I wore a cute exercise outfit for my first class of the day, Yoga. My hair was up on a high pony-tail with a concealed clip under to give it an Ariana Grande look. The exercises today were admittedly challenging but I came out of it refreshed. So, when I headed to my test, which was the class after Yoga, I was feeling great, to be honest. Then, the test was handed out...
From feeling okay-ishly prepared, I quickly realised that I wasn't prepared, if at all. Most of the questions, as fate would have it, came from the part of the material I didn't get to focus much on. But, I didn't start feeling bad(?) I know right, it's a weird reaction, even for me. I was fine. I went through the test, accepted VERY quickly that I wasn't very prepared BUT also knew that it won't stop me from trying to answer the questions as best and as thoroughly as I can. And that I did.
And so, still surprisingly in high spirits, I went home. And so here I am now, on my "bed", ranting to you in hopes of dispelling my leftover energy as I wait for my takeout lunch to arrive and time to pass by until I have to go back to school for my next class. I'm in surprisingly high spirits. I don't feel despair about probably failing that test. And let me tell you, a certain version of myself in the past would be crying while watching YouTube right now because this is not the first test I've done not-so-well in since the sem started. So far my quizzes and tests are an average of high C+ and low B-- such a far-cry from my A+ studded high school career. But I am fine. And, I found myself saying something the old version of me would've haughtily never accepted before. i said, "Well, that was not-so-good but oh well, there's next time." "There's next time." I acknowledged the fact that there is a future because there is a next time. That, my friend, is character growth. As a Psychology student speaking, that, my friend, is the kind of growth mindset that will make Carol Dweck herself, proud.
i'm not doing as well as i want but, i don't feel as bad about it than i think i should-- help(?)10/9/2018 I am not happy. But, I'm also not sad. I am worried about my grades but at the same time, not really. I am one and another at the same time so someone, please open the box and confirm either one of them. I'm a blur of probability. I'm Schrödinger's cat. Basically, in colloquial terms... A part of me right now is saying, "Let's not make haste, you haven't gotten your advisory marks yet! You might be doing better than you think! It's happened before right?" Well, yeah. It has happened before. I have previously cried over grades that ended up better than I expected. But, girl... I is not blind. I can see the marks on the quizzes and tests I've gotten back so far-- and I don't see them as "A" material. So basically, according to my own assessment-- I'm currently a "C" student (possibly a "D" but let's be positive here). And, I don't want that(?) Yo, I graduated high school at the top of my class-- this is embarrassing. And honestly, I don't find the material excessively difficult either (maybe except math and theo). Sure, I do find that some test formats are different than what I've gotten accustomed to (the tests here are very objective while I've been accustomed to questions that always demanded an explanation from me-- why? to what extent? how?). BUT, the point is that, though it might be overconfidence speaking but whateva, I feel like I could do better. I could be a "B" student at least but... why am I not? Why do I not feel worried enough to act on it? Why am I like this? Now, I do know part of the reason why I'm like this right now and, if you've been reading my blog, you already know what's coming. I had a horrible depressive period in high school-- to the point that I was suicidal. And, a major reason as to why that happened was because I was putting a lot of pressure onto myself in terms of academics. I started off IBDP1 with not-so-decent grades as well. We're talking barely passing the half-mark in Math tests and around 11-15 point errancies in Chemistry. It was bad-- I was doing badly and in retrospect, kinda like how I'm doing right now. Those grades took a huge toll on me, emotionally and mentally. Long story short, I beat up myself A LOT for not performing well, as well as I believed I SHOULD. I was unhappy. I had a lot of crying fits. I constantly wanted to isolate myself. I had panic attacks. And at one point, I was suicidal. It wasn't a very pretty phase in my life. I'm okay now, though, and that experience serves as a reminder to myself that that's a place I'd hope to never return to again. I care about myself more now. My priorities have shifted and it's now holistic, personal wellbeing over everything else. I now, quite honestly, don't know what to do. At one hand, I feel like I should do whatever it takes to make sure that my grades are way up there as I believe they could. But, at the same time, the kind of lifestyle I'm living right now is quite nice. I get to sleep an adequate amount per night (I sleep 7-9 hours a night now). I devote ample time to relaxation, which in turn, helps me deal with stress. I have some time for hobbies such as music-making and writing (hey, have you noticed I've been quite active recently?). And, I go to school rather confidently everyday because I invest time in my overall appearance.
To be honest, aside from the academic aspect of my life right now, I'm quite happy and content. I'm happy to be alive. I'm okay... except for that one thing. . . . I know that getting those grades that I covet will require me to give up a portion of those things I mentioned. I question, "Is it worth it? Are grades really that important?" And most importantly, "What if I end up in that place again? If I gamble and play at the edge of it, what if the pull of that place becomes stronger this time? Will I have the strength to pull back? Will I be able to recognise quickly enough before I fall back again?" I don't have the answer to those questions. I am confused. |
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