Wishing that I'll be The man that you'll touch and see I'll give my love that can't explain We will be running in the rain And I will hold your hand Hold my hand On the first few weeks when we started talking, we would talk through midnight and into the morning. We would fall asleep, not knowing how much time has passed. I know you're busy, I'm busy too. I hope you don't look at me differently. I've noticed some awkwardness lately. I'd hate to interpret it as you getting bored of me-- even as you reply with short, generic messages after I've possibly just peeled another layer of skin of my personality to you. I said I'll be your friend and I stand by that decision. So even with these feelings still lingering around, remember that I'll be here. Even if you don't ask for it. Even if you don't need me anymore. Even if I'm no longer the one you miss. I'm still holding onto the sleeve of your shirt. Give me some time to let go. I'll get over you, I promise. But that time is not now. It's past midnight again.
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It could be a bit of an unsatisfying feeling-- to want something more than the label of "just good friends". But adding "just" to that equation can make it sound so negative. Let's transform it to "good friends". Even then, it would still be unsatisfying because perhaps what you were hoping for was something more-- and no, not more as in "best friends" but the more that transcends the camraderie, we're talking about the "girl/boyfriend" category. And you can't deny the feelings when they come. The hugs you wished were even just a few seconds longer, especially that one that surprised you because he hugged you so tight that you were suddenly made aware of your height difference and how you had to tiptoe a little bit to properly embrace his shoulders with the same amount of force, causing the two of you to sway lightly side-to-side as you try to keep your balance. The eye contact and the faces you make while teasing each other without even saying anything. No words were needed in those moments, you've formed a deep enough bond to understand what the other person meant. The shy laughter, the awkward banter, and the way he tugs at your shirt sleeve when you have the upper-hand in a conversation that took so many twists and turns neither of you even know how you ended up in the topic of whose innocence is still more intact. The pats on the shoulder, and the silent pleads he does with his adorable brown eyes that disappear whenever he sheepishly smiles as he stretches to shake off some of the awkward tension, like a cat wakening from a nap. The way he finds your height difference adorable as he comments about how he can see the top of your head before proceeding to pet it as you pout up at him, and he smiles at you gently. The first time he wanted to call you, he was out on vacation in the place he loves, in the place he met and spent time with his first love-- which made you perplexed when he messaged you with the intention to call. He was out on vacation, in such a special place, with the special people in his life-- people he's known way before you-- but he wanted to call, you. You found it shocking at the time and reacted in a way that caused his shy self to quickly retract his request. The time you two finally talked on the phone, it was because he was having a panic attack. He asked you to distract him, to comfort him-- perhaps because he trusted you. At first, you tried your best through chat, to talk about random stuff that you hoped would help get his mind off his breathing, then, "can i... call you?" You accepted his request and you guys talked on the phone, well, mostly you. You can hear the distress in his voice so you scramble your head of a topic that might cheer him up. So, you talk about the topic that always cheers you up and brings love and warmth back to your heart-- your cat. You talked about your cat so enthusiastically that you hoped the warmth in your voice was enough to melt the cold he was feeling. You were there for him-- and you were hoping he got the message. The way you get a slight "kilig" at the little signs that probably don't mean anything. Like that time you guys went to see a movie where you were seated in between him and a guy friend of yours he didn't know yet at the time. You were making little comments throughout the movie, so did your friend, to you-- whispering and giggling lightly at each other. And with each passing remark between you and your friend, you notice him sit straighter in his seat, spread himself wider, and perch his head on his arm leaned on your shared armrest. That's when he started making comments too, ones for you to hear so you'd look at him. It could've been nothing. It probably was nothing-- but that doesn't make it less amusing to witness. The way it makes you feel slightly flustered when other people question your friendship as possibly something more. The comic artist both of you love so much who air-quoted your introduction as "friends". The friend (he was jealous of) at the cinema, who pulled you aside after the movie to ask if you were perhaps in a secret relationship. The mutual friends you both have who suspected something in the way you two act publicly on social media. Perhaps even the grandmother who sat across you both as you talked about life and other stuff on the couch at the floor where conversations just seem to flow. But just as there were good, there were also the bad. And they're hard to shut out when they come. You hate the way you feel pangs of jealousy when you're not supposed to, because why would you? Why should you? Do you even have the right to? You wait when he takes long to reply. You feel an unwelcoming sense of green when he's out with people, and wait a second, it's that girl again-- the same one who keeps posting photos of him and tagging him and stuff. You try to ignore it when he mentions being matchmade by a friend with some girl. You hate it when you don't know what to say or what face to make or if you should even look when he's interacting with his other girl good friend much in the same way he would with you-- which basically makes everything you've written above less special. He's like that with everyone. You hate the way you feel when you expect him to give the same effort and comfort you when you're sad, just as how you're there for him when he's sad. You hate how he makes you feel like you're doing too much and at the same time, not enough. You want to show him that you're there for him without sounding too eager. It bites at your self-esteem. It triggers your fears of abandonment. You hate the way maintaining this friendship with him makes you question what your true intentions are-- if you really just are being a good friend. You hate it when the doubts come in, that all of the words written above are empty; that you've attributed to them more meaning than there actually were. That none of the words above hold something special. You hate it when the voice at the back of your mind tells you that perhaps it's just because you're not special, at least not to him. You hate that you don't have the courage to just end it. That's because as much as you hate it, you have hope that all these things that you hate are just your own fear and insecurities talking. They're not real and you'd hate to not see this through just because you let fear take control of you. So at the end of it all, you decide to just accept the fact that whichever of the things you think and feel are true or blatant lies-- you will choose to be his friend. You left them all here, written down-- your feelings. I hope you're ready now.
It's okay to be just friends because... this way, it's only you who gets hurt. I'm new to the dating scene. Wait, no. Scratch that. I'm yet to break into the dating scene. And as it goes with the inexperienced, I turn to the internet and to my just-as inexperienced friends when I feel like there could be, something. I turn to them when I feel a spark, of some sorts. (I'm not entirely sure, how that spark is supposed to feel either-- as I said, I am VERY much inexperienced.) (Thank you for the tips, Charisma on Command! You deserve a whole 'nother post altogether... Hmmm...) But just as I turned 20 this year, I was thinking that I could be ready. And also, when the opportunity arises, I won't sit around and wait for the other person to show interest first. Like any strong, independent woman of the 21st century, I will be unafraid in making a move. BUT I do have one condition, however, I need to know that they at least find me interesting too. I may sound gutsy, but I also don't wanna be stupid. (As a friend just told me the other week, unfortunately, brave actions and stupid actions are often synonymous.) And so obviously enough that I started talking about this specific topic, you guessed it, there is someone... This someone, I found him incredibly confusing at first. Although now, I'm fairly convinced that he doesn't reciprocate the same feelings and thus I feel ready to talk about it. Now that I think about it, however, it was probably the naivety from my part that assumed there could be something. But can you blame me? I was seeing stars, as they say in John Green-esque teenage romance books. Also, it felt nice for a while, the kind of attention I thought I was getting.
And even if you do blame me, well, I kinda blame me too. But oh well, the past is past. Onwards and upwards! As I'm writing this, I've just gotten back from my 1st major test for my Zoology Lecture class this sem. And in simple terms, it went not well. For this test, I actually tried to study. Emphasis on try because I didn't go overboard with it, but I did study. I read through the material, although admittedly, I didn't finish. I tried to remember as many details as I can. I even woke up twice in the middle of the night to try to study some more. That's why, this morning, I wasn't feeling very jittery. I had a great morning, in fact. I wore a cute exercise outfit for my first class of the day, Yoga. My hair was up on a high pony-tail with a concealed clip under to give it an Ariana Grande look. The exercises today were admittedly challenging but I came out of it refreshed. So, when I headed to my test, which was the class after Yoga, I was feeling great, to be honest. Then, the test was handed out...
From feeling okay-ishly prepared, I quickly realised that I wasn't prepared, if at all. Most of the questions, as fate would have it, came from the part of the material I didn't get to focus much on. But, I didn't start feeling bad(?) I know right, it's a weird reaction, even for me. I was fine. I went through the test, accepted VERY quickly that I wasn't very prepared BUT also knew that it won't stop me from trying to answer the questions as best and as thoroughly as I can. And that I did.
And so, still surprisingly in high spirits, I went home. And so here I am now, on my "bed", ranting to you in hopes of dispelling my leftover energy as I wait for my takeout lunch to arrive and time to pass by until I have to go back to school for my next class. I'm in surprisingly high spirits. I don't feel despair about probably failing that test. And let me tell you, a certain version of myself in the past would be crying while watching YouTube right now because this is not the first test I've done not-so-well in since the sem started. So far my quizzes and tests are an average of high C+ and low B-- such a far-cry from my A+ studded high school career. But I am fine. And, I found myself saying something the old version of me would've haughtily never accepted before. i said, "Well, that was not-so-good but oh well, there's next time." "There's next time." I acknowledged the fact that there is a future because there is a next time. That, my friend, is character growth. As a Psychology student speaking, that, my friend, is the kind of growth mindset that will make Carol Dweck herself, proud.
Woah, two posts in a week? I'm on a roll, baby! . . . If you've read my previous post (maybe I'll post more regularly if I see that people are actually reading and commenting regularly ;) ), you might remember me saying that God is teasing me. Well, it's confirmed. He totally is. Today, we had to enlist for electives. I remember saying specifically, this morning, that I should NOT take a nap tonight before enlistment so that I could save slots for the classes I wanted. There were already two that I was eyeing-- and I wanted them... badly enough. Do you remember back in 2011 when Justin Bieber kept on telling us that we should "Never Say Never"? Yeah, well, he's not wrong. Here's what happened: I always get sleepy after eating dinner and, tonight was no exception. I literally fell asleep with half my body on the couch and half on the floor but that's not even the worst part.
I eventually woke up from my nap and coincidentally, it was 45 minutes before my enlistment schedule. I said, alright!... Then I fell asleep again. But, I woke up! 15 minutes before enlistment-- I'm almost there! I entered in my log-in details and I was ready to click log-in at any time. And then the next thing I know, it was 11:30PM-- there were only 30 minutes left to enlist. Fuck. Well, obviously, I didn't get any of the classes I wanted because they were already full! And I said that I don't like classes that start in the afternoon, leaving my morning idle. Guess what? I ended up enlisting for two afternoon classes. Fuck. I know I've been listening to Crush by Tessa Violet but boi, I haven't actually had a crush in ages. Recently, I remember saying to myself, "I wish I liked someone. I think I'm ready to feel feelings for an actual human being-- someone who's not fictional." And so wish I did. I'm not one to catch feelings easily anyways, I said to myself. Attraction based on looks alone fade fast for me. And since I've started my freshman year at uni, I've had a few eye candies-- three, to be precise. The first one looked awfully similar to a fictional character I really love. I fangirled over that fact for a few weeks but it never really developed into a crush. I see him most days a week and I just admire how he seems so in-character all the time but that's it. I don't really like-like him. The second one was a short one. He was pretty. I admired that fact for about two days. I thought he could be gay... but then again, maybe he's not. Anyways, I don't have a crush on him. I don't even find him that pretty anymore, maybe I just didn't look long enough the first time. Oh well. The third one, honestly, he also looked too fictional to be real the first time I saw him, that's why I got interested. He has long hair which makes him look like your stereotypical cartoon Prince Charming. He's very good at the class we take together (I won't tell, haha). We got paired up together once and I think I looked like an idiot. He's fashionable too that to be honest, there was a time wherein I thought he was gay. It seems like I was mistaken though so, yep. Actually, unlike the first two, I still kinda have a very small crush on this one. It hasn't developed into anything bigger because there's kind of a deal-breaker: he's short :( Okay, now that might sound very superficial-- and probably it is, but we're the same height when I'm wearing my normal shoes, what more when I wear heels? I'd be a giant next to him and that's awkward. And now, we come to the most recent one. The crush-ish I developed over the weekend-- and also only lasted for a weekend because I saw him earlier today and I've decided that it's best to just get over it right now. For the sake of convenience, let's call him Matt.
On that fateful weekend though, I noticed, "Damn, this guy's pretty good-looking". Then I looked around the room at the other girls and no one seemed to be making googley-eyes at him so I said, "Perfect!" Yo, he could pass as a certain celebrity's double. He's good-looking I say. He's good-looking and soft-spoken, I didn't realise that point at the time. And so, earlier today, when I went to the library to kill some time before the class session we have for post-processing after the activity, I was unpleasantly surprised. Imagine this scene. He's descending from the stairs just as I enter the room, right then, we were on a perpendicular position. I see him but he is looking straight ahead. I look at him and I panic whether I should engage in eye contact or not. Then, he turns towards my direction and as he does, it is revealed to me that the space on his left was occupied by a girl who was possibly holding onto his arm. I couldn't confirm because by then, I looked away. Then, the mofo decides to sit on the space diagonally in front of me during the class session. (I'm kind-of convinced that God has been teasing me a good lot this year: always putting something I want just within reach but me never being able to get it.) Yo, the classroom was, like, filled with empty chairs-- why couldn't he sit somewhere else? Added to the fact that the number of chairs made the room a bit crowded meaning that he was literally just arm's reach in front of me. And goodness, bruh, why did you have to sit facing the side? The teacher's in front, not on your right. There wasn't even anyone sitting on your right-- why'd you have to spend most of the class turned in that direction then, huh? Dude, you're kinda tall and so half of my forward vision is literally just your side-profile and I wasn't asking for that! You have a girl, probably-- I didn't need any more reasons to like you. I needed the opposite. Mofo... I wanted a crush-- all dem lovely feelings that people always talk about. It's been so long that I don't really get it when people say that having a crush on someone gives them inspiration to do more and better. See, I don't get that. I don't know how that feels.
All I've gotten from my mini crush though, was disappointment with a hint of sadness. This is the worst, I've been duped... There are some things that I'm tempted to say I am quite "good" at-- and that includes writing (be my judge). However, with great pride comes great doubt because writing could also be one of my weaknesses-- in a sense that I worry about my pieces (whatever it is, academic or creative) way too much. Mediocre. I am afraid of mediocrity. Recently, I got accepted into the Writing Department of an organisation in my university. Now, I usually try to be humble and downplay my achievements to the point that I rarely bring them up or talk about them to anyone but, I would like to express my exuberant giddiness about this one. I think I'm actually proud of myself for getting in.
Now, be rest assured that I did not lie on my application (objectively speaking, I don't think it was possible to). However, that picture does represent what I feel right now. I can't help but think that they have mischosen and I am actually ill-fitted for the job. I am afraid that the topics in my mind right now are too mediocre and not indie or obscure enough-- not good enough. I really need to do something with this self-doubt thing. It is ruining my temperament. Side Note: Saitama's not mediocre by any conceivable means but the characters of the show seem to think so.
As long as the times of which I go on hiatus, so was a time when I mulled this one particular thought over and over... Should I continue following Jan *not the real name* on Instagram, or should I unfollow? Let's break it down, shall we? 1. Jan is perfect. Their Instagram pictures are perfect. They post nothing but the most artsy and perfect shots at XX City's most colourful and iconic places. 2. Jan is smart. While I'm not aware of the exact figures but she probably graduated (high school) nothing short but on the top tier of their class. I do follow them on GoodReads though, and they have read a lot of books. 3. Jan is loved , adored, and praised by many. More Instagram followers than I could ever gain. 4. Jan is doing something I would love to do-- a fashion-related job. 5. Jan has friends who take great photos of them. I love my friends (and my sister) but they need to step up their game. 6. Jan looks great in photos and knows how to pose. I keep on telling myself that it must be the angle and the lighting, and how the picture was taken... No, it's just me. 7. Jan looks comfortable and confident with herself. I constantly look awkward af. I am awkward af. 8. Jan is my age. I constantly feel like I need to step up my game. 9. Jan is someone that I know personally. Why did i unfollow them? Well, the decision took a long time. It took a year... I unfollowed them because I was feeling unhappy. Whenever I saw their posts or updates, I feel so inadequate. I feel unaccomplished. Even if I were feeling kinda good about myself that day, expect it to go way down once I see their post. If I had a selfie or an Instagram story I've been prepping to post, expect me to immediately delete it. I know envy and belittling one's self in comparison to others are very bad practices but I couldn't help it whenever I saw their posts. I tried my best, even desensitising myself, with their pictures so that I get over it, but I never did. The main reason why it took me a year before finally unfollowing them was because I kept on stubbornly willing myself to unfeel what I feel by seeing their posts. I unfollowed them because Instagram to me, is supposed to inspire you. The only thing their Instagram did to me was inspire me to hide myself even more. I unfollowed them because I can. This was what I kept telling myself, and finally the point that convinced me to do it, "There's no rule saying that just because you know someone personally means that you have to follow them on Instagram or be friends with them on Facebook." I unfollowed them because I had to, as a responsibility to myself. It took me a year to decide whether I should unfollow them or not. But, it took me longer hiding behind their shadow and doubting that anything I could ever do could be as good as theirs. I felt like the only way I could reveal myself as a unique and creative individual in my own right was to prioritise myself a little; to finally stop thinking about what one person, who may not even be as aware of me as I am hyper-aware of them, might think of me. I said to myself, "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." 3 months later... Due to my long absence, I was scrolling around my drafts today for a blog post I already started but never finished writing, and ultimately never published (such a savvy writer, I am). And so, I saw the rough draft for this one (which was dated near my birthday, so unfollowing them was my birthday gift to myself) and thought it was perfect. Today, 11th July, 2018, I was on Facebook and saw Jan's new fashion-y, photogenic posts promoting their new YouTube channel. (Yes, I unfollowed her on Instagram but she's still my Facebook friend. I'm a coward. BUT, I'm only in Facebook like every 6 months, other than Messenger, for almost two years now so meh.) And when I saw those posts, I immediately thought...
They didn't do anything against me personally which is why I actually feel mean because I feel like I'm being so antagonistic towards them for no particular reason. But, whatever. If I keep on thinking about why I like something or why I hate something with seemingly no particular reason any longer than I already have, I'm going to go crazy. So, you, the one reading this, don't think about that shizz, please. Anyways, back to my 3 months later progress report... I have been feeling a lot better since then. After unfollowing them, I went on an Instagram cleanse, as well as a follow spree. I unfollowed people/accounts that don't add to the quality of my life; there was no exception. I started following people whom after a few minutes (to hours) of Instagram stalking, I felt like I liked their style and the vibe of their posts and would want to keep seeing that on my feed. Since then, my Instagram feed has been full of people that don't make me want to retract into obscurity but rather inspire me to do better myself. One of the most notable accounts are Day6 fan accounts. Now, if you don't know Day6, let me educate you! Day6 is a South-Korean band consisting of 5 members, Sungjin, Jae, Dowoon, Young K, and Wonpil. They all play instruments and they all, ALL sing. Dowoon's occasional deep voice, back vocals are cute so just agree with me. They're officially considered as a K-pop band according to Wikipedia, though, nothing against K-pop and all, I like K-pop but, Day6 is a BAND. They recently released an album titled, Shoot Me. So, go give them a listen because they're great and they inspire me to be a better musician. And, whenever I watch their MVs, it makes me guilty... guilty that I am not playing guitar and singing at this exact same moment! So pass me my guitar and lez get it! STAN DAY6! I tried being more brave as well, and just post what I feel like posting on my Instagram story because the world needs more pictures of my cat (with me occasionally lurking in the background) and my jokes that my sister thinks are funny, at least. And eyyo, I've posted at least two photos on my account as well, since then. One of them was a Boomerang of me swishing my frilly dress about in front of a Dubai landmark. And because the Boomerang was obviously fashion blogger/Youtuber-esque, instead of not posting it (like I did with so many pictures I wanted to share before) or pretending for it to be something that it's not, I just claimed it. I captioned it with (something along the lines of because I still want my personal account to be anonymous-ish :P), "Let it be awkward! What's wrong with being awkward?" I've also posted a guitar cover on my Instagram story, and I legit never do that. Soon, I also want to start my own YouTube channel. It's not because I want to copy Jan, no. I want to start a Youtube channel because I've been playing guitar for years and I feel like I haven't progressed as much as I liked. However, I figured that whenever I had to do it (like when people ask me to be an accompanying guitarist to something, my mom requests a song, I get invited to play in a band, etc.) I progress much faster and better than months of idle playing. (Also, you can already see how much Day6 has positively influenced me.) So, stay tuned for updates and make sure to subscribe! Oh, and there's more! I also finished Sejong 1 of the Korean Language Course. Woohoo! Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to install a good on-screen Korean keyboard on my laptop (or maybe start writing blog posts using "my" iPad once my mom actually gives me her iPad). But, when that happens, expect to have more multilingual b.s. posts written in here as I use this site as a platform to practice my languages. Haha, look forward to it! "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." I am still working on myself. It's a continuous project. I did not click "unfollow" and then suddenly, all my worries and insecurities went *poof*. I'm still hoping for the day that I look at Jan and not compare myself with them anymore. But if that never happens, I will still choose to be happy.
There's no rule stating who you should and shouldn't follow. Heck, why shouldn't you like your own picture? Just do whatever makes you happy. Happy scrolling! It's been an "eh" kind of few weeks. A good news, I've passed the document screening stage to a top-choice uni about two weeks ago, which means that I'll be having a phone interview this weekend (wish me luck!). The rest of the news, however, that I've received these past few weeks are not so good. The mood at home has significantly gone down because of that and quite honestly, the situation has left me questioning whether it even matters if I do well on this weekend's interview or not. Of course, I want to do well on the interview. I want to do extremely well. I want to stand out. I want to be heard and be listened to. I want to get accepted. I want to get a scholarship this time. I want to be partially self-sufficient during my college years. I want to go to that uni. I want to attend that uni. I want to graduate from that uni... so bad. . . . At the same time, however, at the back of my mind where my stinging awareness of the reality resides, I question whether that could even be possible-- because the chances of it working out seems a little too slim to be optimistic about in this current reality. There's an imagined future situation where I don't even get in and/or our home situation worsens. Another one has me getting in but not being able to go (again) with or without the current home situation. Another one still, is where I fall in a lucid pit of anxiety due surrounded by my rejection letters and in strained patience waiting for other results. And yet another one is where I do get in (favourably) but end up feeling guilty and in a struggle of conscience because attending would mean leaving whether or not the situation at home brightens or not. What are the odds that we end up in a win-win? I don't know if it's my muddled-state-of-thoughts-and-anxious-mood-that-prevents-me-from-seeing-things-in-a-greater-picture-and-missing-out-on-the-details-that-ultimately-make-the-situation-that I'm-in-not-as-dire-as-it-seems-in-my-mind talking but my mind tends to think that a win-win result out of this mess is a probability of 1 in 14,000,605.
And that had basically been my mood for the past few weeks and fuck damn, I feel a bit better letting some of it out. I'm still smiling you know, and manage not to cry (too much). I don't know whether that's helping or prepping me up for a breakdown later because let's be honest, sometimes, being "in control of your emotions" isn't really a good thing. I pray every single night too and legit believe that whatever happens, happens and would serve a purpose in the future even if that purpose doesn't get realised 'til years later. Praying is keeping me a percentage amount of sane and calm too. . . . Anyways, the videos below are some gospel songs that I accidentally listened to thanks to my mom's nightly habit of leaving YouTube open at night and on auto-play. I honestly haven't heard the below songs in a long while but I'm so glad I got to hear them again especially in the lurid state I was sinking into because of the not-so-good bombs I got subjected to today. I'd like to believe that me accidentally listening to these songs tonight aren't much of accidents--- but divine reminders not to lose faith... not ever. the lines highlighted in green ARE REPRESENTATIVE TO WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. Oh what I would do to have The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out his hand But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a Sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me (Calling out to me) I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high From on top of them looking down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe I will listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe Because Jesus you are the voice of truth And I will listen to you You are... (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) From where I'm standing Lord it's so hard for me to see Where this is going And where You're leading me I wish I knew how All my fears and all my questions Are gonna play out In a world I can't control Oh, oh When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there Oh, oh, oh, oh From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design That You imagined When You breathed me into life And all the chaos Comes together in Your hands Like a masterpiece Of Your picture perfect plan When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived I can't wait to enjoy the view And see how all the pieces fit [x2] One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived Cause You're already there You're already there When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there You are already there (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) I was sure by now
God, you would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen," and it's still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you And raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can't find you But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The maker of Heaven and Earth I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The maker of Heaven and Earth And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm Though my heart is torn (Though my heart is torn) I will praise you in this storm (Praise you in this storm) (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) There were a significat amount of times during this past year wherein my anxiety cells seem to be turned off during the times when it should be on its peak capacity. Let's say a worrying situation arises, as they happened to have done an unusual number of times during this past year in particular, and being the worrier that I am. I know it in my guts that this situation should make me anxious. I should be trembling in fear right now. I should be crying. In some of those situations, the implications of the "would-be" negative situation should be enough to veer me into a panic attack wherein half of my body starts going pale and numbs against feeling.
It is unusual because in a few other occasions wherein the situation (in hindsight) was less imminent than the ones I'm trying to imply, I tended to suffer from all the symptoms I just described. As a hypothetical example, let's say I was afraid of getting any type of wounds on my skin because I scar easily. Therefore, I would be careful around new books in case I get a paper cut, as well as with the kitchen knife when I'm cooking. However, comparing my anxiety levels on the possibility of getting hurt on both situations, I feel more anxious around paper than I do when working the knife while cooking. It doesn't make sense really especially when I'm well aware that a knife injury would be much more severe than a paper-cut. It doesn't make sense how careful I act around paper while be casually relaxed cutting vegetables in the kitchen. It's almost like I know for a fact that nothing bad is going to happen with the kitchen knife. I'm somehow sure of it. On the other hand, I don't feel any of that reassurance working with paper and that is why I am anxious-- even if/when I do get a paper-cut, it probably wouldn't be serious enough to result in an overgrown scar. It's perplexing, really, but, to be honest, during those times in the previous year wherein a huge anxiety-causing situation appeared-- nothing horrendously bad happened, as if proving my gut feeling of there being no need to feel anxiety, right. Sure, during some of those times, things did not go as planned and/or things fell short but never did any of them result in the absolute worst-case scenario that my mind is good at conjuring up even for the smallest of anxieties. My gut feeling was actually right?! Fascinating. However, I'd like to think of it more that maybe, it's divine intervention, in a way something of a wholesome prank from God. And like truly wholesome pranks, they are designed to spur someone into action and to alleviate a reaction whilst not really harming nor injuring the participant in a severe way. Sure, as the pranked, you might get soiled and maybe suffer a cut or two but alive and well nonetheless. . . . Now, another possible knife-cut situation has arisen but once again, I don't feel as anxious as my rational brain tells me I should be. I'm strangely calm and clear-headed. It's weird but I'm not complaining. |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
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