As long as the times of which I go on hiatus, so was a time when I mulled this one particular thought over and over... Should I continue following Jan *not the real name* on Instagram, or should I unfollow? Let's break it down, shall we? 1. Jan is perfect. Their Instagram pictures are perfect. They post nothing but the most artsy and perfect shots at XX City's most colourful and iconic places. 2. Jan is smart. While I'm not aware of the exact figures but she probably graduated (high school) nothing short but on the top tier of their class. I do follow them on GoodReads though, and they have read a lot of books. 3. Jan is loved , adored, and praised by many. More Instagram followers than I could ever gain. 4. Jan is doing something I would love to do-- a fashion-related job. 5. Jan has friends who take great photos of them. I love my friends (and my sister) but they need to step up their game. 6. Jan looks great in photos and knows how to pose. I keep on telling myself that it must be the angle and the lighting, and how the picture was taken... No, it's just me. 7. Jan looks comfortable and confident with herself. I constantly look awkward af. I am awkward af. 8. Jan is my age. I constantly feel like I need to step up my game. 9. Jan is someone that I know personally. Why did i unfollow them? Well, the decision took a long time. It took a year... I unfollowed them because I was feeling unhappy. Whenever I saw their posts or updates, I feel so inadequate. I feel unaccomplished. Even if I were feeling kinda good about myself that day, expect it to go way down once I see their post. If I had a selfie or an Instagram story I've been prepping to post, expect me to immediately delete it. I know envy and belittling one's self in comparison to others are very bad practices but I couldn't help it whenever I saw their posts. I tried my best, even desensitising myself, with their pictures so that I get over it, but I never did. The main reason why it took me a year before finally unfollowing them was because I kept on stubbornly willing myself to unfeel what I feel by seeing their posts. I unfollowed them because Instagram to me, is supposed to inspire you. The only thing their Instagram did to me was inspire me to hide myself even more. I unfollowed them because I can. This was what I kept telling myself, and finally the point that convinced me to do it, "There's no rule saying that just because you know someone personally means that you have to follow them on Instagram or be friends with them on Facebook." I unfollowed them because I had to, as a responsibility to myself. It took me a year to decide whether I should unfollow them or not. But, it took me longer hiding behind their shadow and doubting that anything I could ever do could be as good as theirs. I felt like the only way I could reveal myself as a unique and creative individual in my own right was to prioritise myself a little; to finally stop thinking about what one person, who may not even be as aware of me as I am hyper-aware of them, might think of me. I said to myself, "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." 3 months later... Due to my long absence, I was scrolling around my drafts today for a blog post I already started but never finished writing, and ultimately never published (such a savvy writer, I am). And so, I saw the rough draft for this one (which was dated near my birthday, so unfollowing them was my birthday gift to myself) and thought it was perfect. Today, 11th July, 2018, I was on Facebook and saw Jan's new fashion-y, photogenic posts promoting their new YouTube channel. (Yes, I unfollowed her on Instagram but she's still my Facebook friend. I'm a coward. BUT, I'm only in Facebook like every 6 months, other than Messenger, for almost two years now so meh.) And when I saw those posts, I immediately thought...
They didn't do anything against me personally which is why I actually feel mean because I feel like I'm being so antagonistic towards them for no particular reason. But, whatever. If I keep on thinking about why I like something or why I hate something with seemingly no particular reason any longer than I already have, I'm going to go crazy. So, you, the one reading this, don't think about that shizz, please. Anyways, back to my 3 months later progress report... I have been feeling a lot better since then. After unfollowing them, I went on an Instagram cleanse, as well as a follow spree. I unfollowed people/accounts that don't add to the quality of my life; there was no exception. I started following people whom after a few minutes (to hours) of Instagram stalking, I felt like I liked their style and the vibe of their posts and would want to keep seeing that on my feed. Since then, my Instagram feed has been full of people that don't make me want to retract into obscurity but rather inspire me to do better myself. One of the most notable accounts are Day6 fan accounts. Now, if you don't know Day6, let me educate you! Day6 is a South-Korean band consisting of 5 members, Sungjin, Jae, Dowoon, Young K, and Wonpil. They all play instruments and they all, ALL sing. Dowoon's occasional deep voice, back vocals are cute so just agree with me. They're officially considered as a K-pop band according to Wikipedia, though, nothing against K-pop and all, I like K-pop but, Day6 is a BAND. They recently released an album titled, Shoot Me. So, go give them a listen because they're great and they inspire me to be a better musician. And, whenever I watch their MVs, it makes me guilty... guilty that I am not playing guitar and singing at this exact same moment! So pass me my guitar and lez get it! STAN DAY6! I tried being more brave as well, and just post what I feel like posting on my Instagram story because the world needs more pictures of my cat (with me occasionally lurking in the background) and my jokes that my sister thinks are funny, at least. And eyyo, I've posted at least two photos on my account as well, since then. One of them was a Boomerang of me swishing my frilly dress about in front of a Dubai landmark. And because the Boomerang was obviously fashion blogger/Youtuber-esque, instead of not posting it (like I did with so many pictures I wanted to share before) or pretending for it to be something that it's not, I just claimed it. I captioned it with (something along the lines of because I still want my personal account to be anonymous-ish :P), "Let it be awkward! What's wrong with being awkward?" I've also posted a guitar cover on my Instagram story, and I legit never do that. Soon, I also want to start my own YouTube channel. It's not because I want to copy Jan, no. I want to start a Youtube channel because I've been playing guitar for years and I feel like I haven't progressed as much as I liked. However, I figured that whenever I had to do it (like when people ask me to be an accompanying guitarist to something, my mom requests a song, I get invited to play in a band, etc.) I progress much faster and better than months of idle playing. (Also, you can already see how much Day6 has positively influenced me.) So, stay tuned for updates and make sure to subscribe! Oh, and there's more! I also finished Sejong 1 of the Korean Language Course. Woohoo! Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to install a good on-screen Korean keyboard on my laptop (or maybe start writing blog posts using "my" iPad once my mom actually gives me her iPad). But, when that happens, expect to have more multilingual b.s. posts written in here as I use this site as a platform to practice my languages. Haha, look forward to it! "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." I am still working on myself. It's a continuous project. I did not click "unfollow" and then suddenly, all my worries and insecurities went *poof*. I'm still hoping for the day that I look at Jan and not compare myself with them anymore. But if that never happens, I will still choose to be happy.
There's no rule stating who you should and shouldn't follow. Heck, why shouldn't you like your own picture? Just do whatever makes you happy. Happy scrolling!
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The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
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