As I'm writing this, I've just gotten back from my 1st major test for my Zoology Lecture class this sem. And in simple terms, it went not well. For this test, I actually tried to study. Emphasis on try because I didn't go overboard with it, but I did study. I read through the material, although admittedly, I didn't finish. I tried to remember as many details as I can. I even woke up twice in the middle of the night to try to study some more. That's why, this morning, I wasn't feeling very jittery. I had a great morning, in fact. I wore a cute exercise outfit for my first class of the day, Yoga. My hair was up on a high pony-tail with a concealed clip under to give it an Ariana Grande look. The exercises today were admittedly challenging but I came out of it refreshed. So, when I headed to my test, which was the class after Yoga, I was feeling great, to be honest. Then, the test was handed out...
From feeling okay-ishly prepared, I quickly realised that I wasn't prepared, if at all. Most of the questions, as fate would have it, came from the part of the material I didn't get to focus much on. But, I didn't start feeling bad(?) I know right, it's a weird reaction, even for me. I was fine. I went through the test, accepted VERY quickly that I wasn't very prepared BUT also knew that it won't stop me from trying to answer the questions as best and as thoroughly as I can. And that I did.
And so, still surprisingly in high spirits, I went home. And so here I am now, on my "bed", ranting to you in hopes of dispelling my leftover energy as I wait for my takeout lunch to arrive and time to pass by until I have to go back to school for my next class. I'm in surprisingly high spirits. I don't feel despair about probably failing that test. And let me tell you, a certain version of myself in the past would be crying while watching YouTube right now because this is not the first test I've done not-so-well in since the sem started. So far my quizzes and tests are an average of high C+ and low B-- such a far-cry from my A+ studded high school career. But I am fine. And, I found myself saying something the old version of me would've haughtily never accepted before. i said, "Well, that was not-so-good but oh well, there's next time." "There's next time." I acknowledged the fact that there is a future because there is a next time. That, my friend, is character growth. As a Psychology student speaking, that, my friend, is the kind of growth mindset that will make Carol Dweck herself, proud.
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I ain't no rich kid. Realistically speaking, my parents own very little property and yet my sister and I are studying at some of the top schools in the country with our tuitions paid in full directly from my parents' pockets. I also attended an international high school abroad. We travel every few years. And I go out dressed in clothes that may have been bought during a sale but from brands not everyone could afford. . . I feel like a spoiled child. . . Do I feel guilty? Yes. I overheard a conversation my mom had today with a bank over the phone. Turns out that her debt is much larger than we estimated and my immediate reaction to it was a sickening feeling in the stomach that I was part of the reason my parents' debts have blown to proportions like that. In 2016, I had the same realisation. And my reaction? I wanted to kill myself. I felt like a burden. Another mouth to feed and a brain to send to school but I didn't feel like I deserved it. I wanted to die to save my parents from spending money on something so... useless. . . I've talked about this before and I no longer think that but the concept of being a "burden" has not left me. on being a "burden"... My parents would never admit it. I expressed these thoughts to them before. I told them, "I don't want to be a burden." And in staying true to that, I don't ask them for anything. I rarely ask for my wants, just what I need. But nonetheless, my parents get me things that I would want without me saying anything. And I've since then realised that my fault in the situation is not because I ask too much but because I don't reject enough.
My parents are supportive of me in anything and everything. When I was making my final decisions about which university to attend and I was down to the final two choices, I picked the more expensive option. It wasn't to make my parents pay more as an act of spite or something. To me, at that time, it was an act of personal accountability and personal choice-- I thought I was doing something good for myself by choosing the place that attracted me more and plus, was offering me a course I really wanted as opposed to the university who was offering me a course I was only mildly interested in but offered way cheaper tuition fees. I thought at that time, "Well, they did give me the power to decide. So this time, I'll do something for myself." It's a decision that I don't regret for multiple reasons except one, one that just resurfaced at the top of my mind after I heard that phone call. Perhaps, what I've done was make a selfish choice that is continually pushing my parents back into greater debt. And it reminded me of one thing: that I'm still a burden. . . . I don't ask my parents for much. I don't ask often for what I don't need. I give them a very realistic budget plan for my sister and I's independent living back in Manila. I don't exaggerate any price but report it back to them down to the very last cent. I don't know what else I could do to help them. I could cinch mine and my sister's personal expenses more to save more money but apart from that, I have nothing to give back to them. I am currently a freshman in college with three years left under my undergraduate course, granted that everything goes well from here. And then after that, what? I expressed to my parents that I would like to attend med school or graduate school-- whichever-- but I'd like to do it directly after I've collected my bachelor's degree. They nod and they agree. They smile and they encourage me. But that phone call... it reminded me of the reality that that dream and that plan may just be asking for too much. At this point and with the debt my parents have, will they still be able to send me to grad/med school and send my sister to university at the same time? They tell me it's possible. They tell me to study and do as I must and they will take care of the finances but can they really? I feel pretty, fucking useless. To top it all off, my mom's job has been threatened just this past year and her job's current status is not as stable as it had been. I'm almost 20 years old. And yet I feel incapable of being any useful help. . . . But no, I've worked this hard to try and live again. I don't want to kill myself. Don't take me there. No, that XX does not connote something dirty. . You're smart, figure it out. And because it's a new year, the regenerative energy is in the air; and also as with every year, the challenge is staying true to those promises we make today, up to the start of the next new year. All that being said, here are my New Year's Resolutions: 1. |
and you know what? | All of this feels shitty. And, I hate it. And I couldn't concentrate very well because of it, because I want to help better the fuck darn situation so bad but what can I actually do to actually help? Nothing, that's what. And that's shitty x2 which makes me feel shitty^4. And I'm complaining about all of it in a blog posts so fuck that. Fuck. I couldn't even concentrate on preparing for the interview. I hope I don't fuck it up, though, for all my luck's worth. Fuck me. Firetruck. I'm exhausted. My family's exhausted. A fast-forward button like in Sims would be super handy right now. |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
I pray every single night too and legit believe that whatever happens, happens and would serve a purpose in the future even if that purpose doesn't get realised 'til years later. Praying is keeping me a percentage amount of sane and calm too.
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Anyways, the videos below are some gospel songs that I accidentally listened to thanks to my mom's nightly habit of leaving YouTube open at night and on auto-play. I honestly haven't heard the below songs in a long while but I'm so glad I got to hear them again especially in the lurid state I was sinking into because of the not-so-good bombs I got subjected to today. I'd like to believe that me accidentally listening to these songs tonight aren't much of accidents--- but divine reminders not to lose faith... not ever.
the lines highlighted in green ARE REPRESENTATIVE TO WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.
THE LINES HIGHLIGHTED in orange are the little notes from above that i got reminded of today...
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (Calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Because Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you
You are...
(SOURCE: CLICK HERE)
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control
Oh, oh
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
Oh, oh, oh, oh
From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit [x2]
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
You are already there
(SOURCE: CLICK HERE)
God, you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen," and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find you
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
Though my heart is torn
(Though my heart is torn)
I will praise you in this storm
(Praise you in this storm)
(SOURCE: CLICK HERE)
I am currently busy with two things: preparing college applications (whose deadline is deadly close, yikes) and preparing for the Big Move-- which is a series of interrelated posts which starts with this one. Now, without further ado, here is the first installment of the Big Move.
In my defense, I did try to be productive as much as I can right in the comfort of home. A prime example would be this blog. A second example would be my managing of our AirBnB listing back home. A less glamorous but equally important way I stayed productive was being my family's all-around house help which can be pretty neat when I get to aid in their relaxation process after a long day of school/work. It's just a little payback for my fam having my back throughout IB when I had an average of 3 meltdowns per day. During those days, especially the later months of Year 12, I did the bare minimum in house chores, and even less during weekdays. I also just lived on my desk, practically, until food was ready; and, my parents made sure that I had a rich assortment of snacks to choose from (because I tended to either not eat or stress eat whenever I was in study mode). Besides, I've been the official house cook since my gap year and I love it. Being in charge of the kitchen means that you get first choice in choosing what you wanted to eat that day depending on what you're craving. You also get to experiment on the flavours and create some exciting combinations. Ahhhhhh, I love cooking!
It was a bummer but I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. I was a bit disappointed because I've dressed up; I've stressed myself out plenty while packing up to the last minute before going to the airport because I'm afraid I might forget to bring something important or maybe reach Singapore and after opening my luggage, realise that all the clothes I brought made for the worst outfit combinations (a real nightmare); (related to the previous point) not bringing enough clothes, then having to reexamine said clothes because I literally could not close my luggage zippers anymore. On the other hand, I was, in some ways relieved because 1) waiting got me hungry af and after being offloaded, I was just glad that I could finally go to McDonald's and grab a bite, or two, or three-- a burger-sized bite each; 2) I could see Arima again.
Honestly, I got so emotional about half an hour before leaving the house because the realisation suddenly hit me that I wouldn't be able to see Arima for the next couple of months. Sure, he peed on my bed occasionally which forced me to share a bed with someone in the fam for the night, or if I'm not so lucky, sleep on the floor (which I have done, I shit you not. It was damn cold and was not a very pleasant experience). Sure, he topples over every tra0-- (Arima just walked over my zaa OP990
As I was saying... sure, he topples over every trash bin in the house and expects you to clean up after him without even getting mad and just forgive him immediately for no apparent reason aside from being a cutie-ass who plays a game of fetch with you using Q-tips-- and you fall for it, knowingly, every time. Sure, he just casually walks over my keyboard while I'm typing and disrupts my work (Exhibit A: See the emboldened text on the previous paragraph), occasionally, almost deleting something I've been working on for the past hour. But, I love that cat. He's an asshole. He's a jerk. But, I love that cat. And, I sure as heck would miss him when I move to Singapore. :(
Notes from the author:
![Picture](/uploads/4/7/4/6/47468977/editor/facebook-clipart-icon-transparent-1.png?1590595740)
![Picture](/uploads/4/7/4/6/47468977/editor/20-203688-twitter-icon-transparent-background-twitter-logo-hd-png.png?1590596092)
![Picture](/uploads/4/7/4/6/47468977/editor/download-instagram-png-logo-20.png?1590596083)
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