Yo, I usually like to think of myself as someone who gives in a lot of effort. I'm extra af, if I haven't already established that. But of course, I am an anxious child and more often than not, I sink into the thinking that I'm only putting the normal/enough amount of effort-- and when I open up to someone about it, they look at me crazily, as if they want to smack me upside the head, then tell me with a firm 'no' that I put in above average effort. Frankly, the first few times it happened, I just thought that maybe people were trying to make me feel better. But it has now happened too often enough that I'll just believe that there's a semblance of truth to it. I do put in a lot of effort to most of the things that I do. However, I often find myself thinking how effort, or rather, the extent of it, is even important in success; in getting the results that you want. What is enough, and what isn't? How would you know otherwise? And why in the freaking heck do I question myself whether I've given something enough effort or not, months after it happened? Like brain, my man, I thought we were on the same team? Realistically speaking, though, money, unfortunately, outweighs effort. By a landslide, if I must say. If you don't believe me, then you must have more money than you may have realised. I went into a gap year after high school, confident, that with the extra amount of free time that I have and the number of schools I'd be applying to, after a year, my only dilemma would be choosing which school to attend. I prefer not to give away too much detail at the moment but let's just say that it's almost the end of my gap year and I'm left anxious in a situation I hadn't anticipated. At the very least, I could tell you that at this very moment, I feel crossed and very frankly, treated unfairly by fate. I put in a lot of effort. I'll admit that. I led a productive and sterling high school career. I'll profess that. But I can't seem to get things to work the way they want to no matter how much effort I exert. And the people whom I've outperformed then, are mostly in better, secure, and stable situations now. I'm not saying that they got where they were solely through money but I'd say that that certainly helped.
Life is unfair. Fate is unfair. Life favours those who can pay. Fate occurs if you could afford it. And yes, I am bitching about it but it had to be said.
0 Comments
I've been gone for a month and well, that's because I didn't really feel like writing. Sorry, let me rephrase that: nothing I wrote felt right. I knew that keeping this blog updated may or may not aid my university applications and that if I wanted to maintain what little views I have, I have to keep writing-- but, I simply didn't feel like it. No topic seemed interesting enough. No topic seemed just right. I wasn't inspired.
Therefore, it brought me to the question: would it be better for me to continue writing even when at times, my posts could seem monotone and repetitive--as long as I have something to share weekly? Or would it be better if I only wrote occasionally, only when I feel like I have something worth-sharing? It's the age-old: Quantity vs. Quality. Personally, I would choose quality in most situations as I am a very anxious person who constantly worries about whether I've done my best or if I've even done enough-- it doesn't matter how long I spent doing it or how much I've obsessed over it, I still get anxious. Therefore, it's always quality over quantity for me. However, recently, when I was submitting my applications to universities, I included this blog in my list of activities. And, with the link to this blog included in my application, it wouldn't be surprising if admissions officers at least check this blog out. My worry, therefore, is whether they would care more about how often I post (if whether they'd just glance through the website) or what I write about (in the case that they read a few posts, instead of having a quick scroll of the site). In the case of the former scenario, wouldn't it be better then for me to post more often, even when I have nothing particularly interesting to say? *sigh* If you're an admission officer and you happen to be reading this, please enlighten me. I first learned of the word "autonomy" in my Year 9 History class when we were studying about World War I. How is this related to what I'm about to say? Nothing. None at all. I just wanted to mention it. ;)
. . . Anyways, I turned 18 last April, on the day before my first IB exam. I just finished high school, I graduated last May. I am, according to law, of legal age. I am, however, according to my current state, still very much a kid. I am more like a responsible kid, per se. I can live alone in terms of taking care of myself. I can cook. I can clean. I can wash and iron my own clothes. I have no problems contacting any authorities or establishments for anything. I can cross the road. I can ride a taxi. I can set up a doctor's appointment for myself. I can go on a medical check-up by myself. However... I've barely crossed the street alone. I've only ridden the taxi alone less than 5 times; and by alone, I meant, with a friend and I didn't ask my parents permission to do it-- I called them when I was already in the taxi. I have to call my parents whenever I ride a taxi. I can't drive. I've never gone grocery-shopping by myself. I'm chauffered to 98% of the events I go to. I've set up a doctor's appointment and attended the check-up alone, just once. And so based on all that, I can safely say I'm just about 25% adult and 75% child. I have no one and nothing to blame for it. That's just my situation. I do say that I feel less autonomous and capable of independence than most of my friends, especially the ones from the Philippines. Since my batch was the last one to be permitted to attend university even after only completing until Year 10 of secondary education. most of my Filipino friends and former classmates are now already in their 3rd year of undergraduate studies while I am here, not even in university yet. My usual stance on the topic is a state of indifferent acceptance. I studied under an international secondary curriculum which ends in Year 12, and so, it is only natural for me to start university later than my Filipino peers. However, I would have to start university even later because I am taking a gap year (that may be something I rant about some other time). Speaking of my Filipino peers, since they have been in university earlier than I am, and therefore, have already been living independently for quite some time while I still am not, I do get a sense of insecurity sometimes. I feel that I have a lacking of sorts, like I'm weak and incompetent compared to them. My consolation is that the circumstances that I am in are partly responsible for the reason why I am not like them; and my confidence, is in the fact that I am ready to take on a life of autonomy once the circumstances permit. I am in no particular hurry, however. I recognise that with autonomy comes the fact that I will be leaving behind my family. Alas, for now, I'll enjoy living in the moment. I crave a sense of autonomy, I believe that would be a freedom most gratifying. However, I also already long for the comfort of being surrounded by my family, and Arima. That is my curious issue with autonomy. What are the odds? I did relatively well in my IELTS, overall. I received a cumulative average of 8.0 out of 9.0. I scored 8.0 in the reading and speaking sections and a 9.0 in listening. However, when it came to writing... I was given a score of 6.5. Honestly, and I've mentioned it previously on my post on the actual day I took the IELTS (), out of all the things I thought I would mess up-- it would be the speaking section because of all the stuttering I heard from myself. No matter; I refuse to let a single test account for my writing capabilities. Instead, let this blog be my testimony. P.S. I'm not bitter.
|
Notes from the author: If you'd like to have a conversation with me about anything I've written in this blog, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, memes, or anything at all, slide into my DMs at:
The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
Categories
All
Archives
October 2022
|