I half-assed something; did it absolutely last minute-- and yet I still got in, twice. And no, I'm not bragging. In fact, that whole ordeal up there makes me nervous and on edge, as f***. Most days, I think I'm a pretty okay writer. When I actually need to write something "creative", I'm a pretty shitty writer. It is even more terrifying when you're in a small group of writers, writing about different topics under the same theme and you feel like you're the rookiest rook there is. This is the worst feeling ever. Case # 1: I wanted to be a part of this group. I applied to be a part of this group. I got into the group. My friend who applied with me did not. After getting into the group, I don't have friends in that group. Brainstorming with that group made me feel like such a useless piece of shite. I think my ideas were too childish, simple, subpar, not enough. I still wrote the piece. It's been published since. But, it's obviously not as popular as the other works. I feel like the other members of the group are already buddy-buddy. I'm not. I feel like an outsider. Do I want to stay in the group? Yes? Why? Not gonna lie, there's a certain prestige that comes with being a member of the group. And what the underlying theme of the group is, the very reason why I signed up to it in the first place, I still believe in that. I want to stay in the group while being as low-key as possible(?) That's not possible. There's a certain amount of requirements I have to do in order to remain a member until next year. In those activities, I have to go out. I have to socialise. I have to work with them. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I still feel very strongly that I want to stay? It's another month, we were called for another brainstorming. I didn't attend. I had my reasons. They weren't very good reasons but I had my reasons. I still submitted the outline to what I wanted to write-- a harder piece this time, a little more attuned to the ideas I heard in the first session. I was called to set a private brainstorm session. I did. It's scheduled today. I don't know if my idea sounds good. It sounds half-baked-- like my application. It's all over the place. I have to present it later. For all the trouble both me and the team leaders went through in setting the appointment later, I have to go. I have to present. I have to sit there and smile. I have to smile widely in the nervous way that I do. Although I love the idea of it, I don't feel qualified for this job at all. Case # 2: I want to stay in said group mentioned earlier. The only way I can stay in said group is if I was more active. A way of being more active is becoming a key player in one (or more) of the group's projects. I have not applied to be a key player in any of the group's projects since I joined the group. Without a thought nor a plan, I joined this one, which was the last one that was still accepting applicants. A few days later I got the message that I got accepted. Slightly baffled, it left me, to be honest. I didn't "overwork" on the application as I often (read as: always) do. To inject more nervousness into the already anxious state that I'm in. I got accepted into a position that is the very opposite of my very nature. In short, I see it as more of an extrovert's job. What do I do now? I frankly don't know. It's funny because while I'm aware that other people might be feeling the same thing, and in fact, when my friends do express feelings of inadequacy, I am quick to correct them and reassure them that they're perfect for the job. And I'm not lying in those cases, especially if it's a close friend of mine and I'm fully aware of their capabilities. I 100% believe that they could do it. So why...
Why can't I convince myself the same way? I mean surely, sometimes I try to counter it by reason. A typical conversation in my head would sound like so: "No one, there's a process all applicants had to go through. The fact that you know of some people who went through the same process and didn't get through means that there's something there." "But I got lucky, maybe they needed to appoint at least 1 freshman and I just happened to be that." "You don't even know how many other freshmen applied for the same position." "I don't need to know. Sitting in that table with all the other writers make my ideas seem really weak and small." "You're all about diversity right? And giving an alternative opinion in cases wherein a certain mold is the norm?" "Yes, I am. But, my ideas are childish and incomparable. See, nobody even read or liked my article when it got published." "And since when did you care about reader density? Like this blog, you write it for the sake of passion and whatever reader following you gain from it afterwards, isn't really the main priority, right?" Before you think I'm possibly schizophrenic for having that whole conversation with myself in my head, I'd like to tell you that I'm okay. I'll be okay. I hope I'll be okay. And you'll be okay.
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Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
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