should i stay? a discussion on wanting to be happy vs. actually being happy in a relationship1/15/2019 I'm happy with this, why wouldn't I be? Or better yet, why shouldn't I be? I'm happy... But why is it that the more I repeat that phrase to other people when I talk about the relationship, I feel like I'm saying it more to convince myself than the other person? . . "You sound so stressed. Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. I get to do what I enjoy. Plus, there are benefits." "But are you able to reap those benefits?" . . "I want them to accept me. I want to stay." "But what would happen if you don't? Why is it that important to you" ("for the status, for the right to wear their lanyard.") "Seriously, what's so bad about not being a part of them anymore next year?" ("you don't understand, it makes me feel cool.") . . i try so hard to be happy with them but i just am not. I'm convincing myself to be happy because i want to be happy. i hope my actual feelings start aligning with that wish though. I've talked to my sister about it extensively, and those conversations above were real conversations about the topic that we've had. Now that I'm writing about it, I decided to be honest. All this time, I've just been telling people that I'm happy because that's I want to feel about the relationship. I want to be happy with them. Being with them was a privilege, it affirmed a part of me that I've so badly wanted to be recognised before. `being with them when others couldn't because they were rejected, it made me feel special. It boosted my self-esteem. I was recognised for my skills by people I didn't know. That's why I don't want to leave. I want to stay. But I'm not happy. I'm convincing myself to be happy. But now, in this moment of clarity in which I can be honest about my feelings. I don't feel happy with them. I feel stressed. I feel overly cautious around them. I am in constant fear that I have to uphold a certain attitude and image whenever I deal with them. I feel like I'm betraying a part of myself when I'm acting that way. I feel like I don't belong, that maybe me being chosen to be a part of them was solely by chance. I'm not actually happy with them but I want to be. so why, why am i still stubbornly holding on? I still believe that there is a greater benefit to being with them, even if I can't exactly name what that is, yet. Maybe, it's only what I want to believe but right now, I still want to believe it. Also, how embarrassing would it be for me to not be with them anymore? But at the same time, how can I keep this up for four years? I don't know. For now, I'll just diligently finish my responsibilities, so that in the end, I could make a clean break for it. P.S. It's not a romantic relationship, but I guess this could apply to that, too.
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I ain't no rich kid. Realistically speaking, my parents own very little property and yet my sister and I are studying at some of the top schools in the country with our tuitions paid in full directly from my parents' pockets. I also attended an international high school abroad. We travel every few years. And I go out dressed in clothes that may have been bought during a sale but from brands not everyone could afford. . . I feel like a spoiled child. . . Do I feel guilty? Yes. I overheard a conversation my mom had today with a bank over the phone. Turns out that her debt is much larger than we estimated and my immediate reaction to it was a sickening feeling in the stomach that I was part of the reason my parents' debts have blown to proportions like that. In 2016, I had the same realisation. And my reaction? I wanted to kill myself. I felt like a burden. Another mouth to feed and a brain to send to school but I didn't feel like I deserved it. I wanted to die to save my parents from spending money on something so... useless. . . I've talked about this before and I no longer think that but the concept of being a "burden" has not left me. on being a "burden"... My parents would never admit it. I expressed these thoughts to them before. I told them, "I don't want to be a burden." And in staying true to that, I don't ask them for anything. I rarely ask for my wants, just what I need. But nonetheless, my parents get me things that I would want without me saying anything. And I've since then realised that my fault in the situation is not because I ask too much but because I don't reject enough.
My parents are supportive of me in anything and everything. When I was making my final decisions about which university to attend and I was down to the final two choices, I picked the more expensive option. It wasn't to make my parents pay more as an act of spite or something. To me, at that time, it was an act of personal accountability and personal choice-- I thought I was doing something good for myself by choosing the place that attracted me more and plus, was offering me a course I really wanted as opposed to the university who was offering me a course I was only mildly interested in but offered way cheaper tuition fees. I thought at that time, "Well, they did give me the power to decide. So this time, I'll do something for myself." It's a decision that I don't regret for multiple reasons except one, one that just resurfaced at the top of my mind after I heard that phone call. Perhaps, what I've done was make a selfish choice that is continually pushing my parents back into greater debt. And it reminded me of one thing: that I'm still a burden. . . . I don't ask my parents for much. I don't ask often for what I don't need. I give them a very realistic budget plan for my sister and I's independent living back in Manila. I don't exaggerate any price but report it back to them down to the very last cent. I don't know what else I could do to help them. I could cinch mine and my sister's personal expenses more to save more money but apart from that, I have nothing to give back to them. I am currently a freshman in college with three years left under my undergraduate course, granted that everything goes well from here. And then after that, what? I expressed to my parents that I would like to attend med school or graduate school-- whichever-- but I'd like to do it directly after I've collected my bachelor's degree. They nod and they agree. They smile and they encourage me. But that phone call... it reminded me of the reality that that dream and that plan may just be asking for too much. At this point and with the debt my parents have, will they still be able to send me to grad/med school and send my sister to university at the same time? They tell me it's possible. They tell me to study and do as I must and they will take care of the finances but can they really? I feel pretty, fucking useless. To top it all off, my mom's job has been threatened just this past year and her job's current status is not as stable as it had been. I'm almost 20 years old. And yet I feel incapable of being any useful help. . . . But no, I've worked this hard to try and live again. I don't want to kill myself. Don't take me there. No, that XX does not connote something dirty. . You're smart, figure it out. And because it's a new year, the regenerative energy is in the air; and also as with every year, the challenge is staying true to those promises we make today, up to the start of the next new year. All that being said, here are my New Year's Resolutions: 1. |
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