should i stay? a discussion on wanting to be happy vs. actually being happy in a relationship1/15/2019 I'm happy with this, why wouldn't I be? Or better yet, why shouldn't I be? I'm happy... But why is it that the more I repeat that phrase to other people when I talk about the relationship, I feel like I'm saying it more to convince myself than the other person? . . "You sound so stressed. Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. I get to do what I enjoy. Plus, there are benefits." "But are you able to reap those benefits?" . . "I want them to accept me. I want to stay." "But what would happen if you don't? Why is it that important to you" ("for the status, for the right to wear their lanyard.") "Seriously, what's so bad about not being a part of them anymore next year?" ("you don't understand, it makes me feel cool.") . . i try so hard to be happy with them but i just am not. I'm convincing myself to be happy because i want to be happy. i hope my actual feelings start aligning with that wish though. I've talked to my sister about it extensively, and those conversations above were real conversations about the topic that we've had. Now that I'm writing about it, I decided to be honest. All this time, I've just been telling people that I'm happy because that's I want to feel about the relationship. I want to be happy with them. Being with them was a privilege, it affirmed a part of me that I've so badly wanted to be recognised before. `being with them when others couldn't because they were rejected, it made me feel special. It boosted my self-esteem. I was recognised for my skills by people I didn't know. That's why I don't want to leave. I want to stay. But I'm not happy. I'm convincing myself to be happy. But now, in this moment of clarity in which I can be honest about my feelings. I don't feel happy with them. I feel stressed. I feel overly cautious around them. I am in constant fear that I have to uphold a certain attitude and image whenever I deal with them. I feel like I'm betraying a part of myself when I'm acting that way. I feel like I don't belong, that maybe me being chosen to be a part of them was solely by chance. I'm not actually happy with them but I want to be. so why, why am i still stubbornly holding on? I still believe that there is a greater benefit to being with them, even if I can't exactly name what that is, yet. Maybe, it's only what I want to believe but right now, I still want to believe it. Also, how embarrassing would it be for me to not be with them anymore? But at the same time, how can I keep this up for four years? I don't know. For now, I'll just diligently finish my responsibilities, so that in the end, I could make a clean break for it. P.S. It's not a romantic relationship, but I guess this could apply to that, too.
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