My dream last night had been a haywire of crazily horrible scenarios. Not people-died kinda bad or I-got-chopped-into-pieces kinda bad but the I-was-left-alone bad, multiple times... in one dream... all in one night. It made me wonder then if I really will end up alone. In one night I dreamt about an old friend/crush who had become famous and suddenly don't even acknowledge my existence anymore. I dreamt about getting excluded from an event by friends. Just finding out about the event as it transpires, wasn't even invited to join it (actually this happened in real life recently). I dreamt about getting abandoned by parents. I dreamt about being left behind by a boyfriend with no closure, no good reason. I dreamt about being picked last or not chosen at all. I dreamt about longingly looking at the back of the person who just left me-- in each of those scenarios, multiple times... in one dream... in one night. I chose sleep in favour of studying for a test I have later and this is how my brain rewards me. Nice.
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I am a pretty independent person. And yes, I am guilty of micromanaging when it comes to group projects. If you've ever been a group-mate of mine and have any ill feelings towards me, I just want you to know that I'm sorry but aye, we got good grades, didn't we? But that's exactly it, I'm used to being in charge. And frankly, for the longest time, people let me. But, in two separate occasions recently, I experienced what it was like to step back and not take the lead, not really because I didn't want to. Unfortunately, I think I might have reached my limit when it comes to the amount of things I am able to juggle at the same time. Yes, I may have plateaud. Will I accept it? No. I'm working on fixing it, realigning my priorities and fixing my schedule but in the meantime, I will admit that yes, I have reached my juggling limit. Moving on.
Anyways, I submitted late, I felt bad. So, I wanted to help out in layout. I wanted to be in charge with visuals. What happened? Time difference. The person who was doing the layout sent the other articles to me late when I was already asleep. When I woke up, I thought it was way too late to contribute so I left it. In the end, my only role in the project was to write my own article. That was it. Finito. I felt so useless. I don't know if you can understand how I feel about it. And then, by the end, one of my group-mates who frankly didn't do any copywriting was named copy-editor. (Well, admittedly she passed her piece earlier than I did, so yes, I was a little annoyed but now no, not anymore.) Hopefully, I'll still get a decent grade but still, this project made me feel frustrated. At the end of the day, I do take after my dad, I am a know-it-all.
Okay, so how I fucked this up was timing yet again. The night before I had to pass this project, I was working on a project all night. Like, I literally did not sleep. I was awake for 24 hours. And so naturally, I woke up kinda late at night to work on the project. When I woke up, I had 4 hours to do it. And frankly, my job was to edit the draft and then send it. Just when I started writing the draft (I had 2 hours left at that point), I noticed that the job wasn't as easy as I had assumed. My group-mates, who wrote the first draft, didn't write it in quite the way a research paper of that style should be written. And also, they included citations that had no references-- so I had to retrace their steps and look for the sources myself. In the end, when I was already late, then I notice that we didn't cite any journal articles. So yep, just saying, not totally my fault. But the late thing was, I admit. In short, I finished the project at 2AM. And sent it then. I made up some lame excuse to somehow buffer my tardiness and it worked a lil bit because we didn't fail. But still, I felt this was on me because I sent it late. My excuse didn't work. I sent it late and we got a low grade. |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
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