i'm not doing as well as i want but, i don't feel as bad about it than i think i should-- help(?)10/9/2018 I am not happy. But, I'm also not sad. I am worried about my grades but at the same time, not really. I am one and another at the same time so someone, please open the box and confirm either one of them. I'm a blur of probability. I'm Schrödinger's cat. Basically, in colloquial terms... A part of me right now is saying, "Let's not make haste, you haven't gotten your advisory marks yet! You might be doing better than you think! It's happened before right?" Well, yeah. It has happened before. I have previously cried over grades that ended up better than I expected. But, girl... I is not blind. I can see the marks on the quizzes and tests I've gotten back so far-- and I don't see them as "A" material. So basically, according to my own assessment-- I'm currently a "C" student (possibly a "D" but let's be positive here). And, I don't want that(?) Yo, I graduated high school at the top of my class-- this is embarrassing. And honestly, I don't find the material excessively difficult either (maybe except math and theo). Sure, I do find that some test formats are different than what I've gotten accustomed to (the tests here are very objective while I've been accustomed to questions that always demanded an explanation from me-- why? to what extent? how?). BUT, the point is that, though it might be overconfidence speaking but whateva, I feel like I could do better. I could be a "B" student at least but... why am I not? Why do I not feel worried enough to act on it? Why am I like this? Now, I do know part of the reason why I'm like this right now and, if you've been reading my blog, you already know what's coming. I had a horrible depressive period in high school-- to the point that I was suicidal. And, a major reason as to why that happened was because I was putting a lot of pressure onto myself in terms of academics. I started off IBDP1 with not-so-decent grades as well. We're talking barely passing the half-mark in Math tests and around 11-15 point errancies in Chemistry. It was bad-- I was doing badly and in retrospect, kinda like how I'm doing right now. Those grades took a huge toll on me, emotionally and mentally. Long story short, I beat up myself A LOT for not performing well, as well as I believed I SHOULD. I was unhappy. I had a lot of crying fits. I constantly wanted to isolate myself. I had panic attacks. And at one point, I was suicidal. It wasn't a very pretty phase in my life. I'm okay now, though, and that experience serves as a reminder to myself that that's a place I'd hope to never return to again. I care about myself more now. My priorities have shifted and it's now holistic, personal wellbeing over everything else. I now, quite honestly, don't know what to do. At one hand, I feel like I should do whatever it takes to make sure that my grades are way up there as I believe they could. But, at the same time, the kind of lifestyle I'm living right now is quite nice. I get to sleep an adequate amount per night (I sleep 7-9 hours a night now). I devote ample time to relaxation, which in turn, helps me deal with stress. I have some time for hobbies such as music-making and writing (hey, have you noticed I've been quite active recently?). And, I go to school rather confidently everyday because I invest time in my overall appearance.
To be honest, aside from the academic aspect of my life right now, I'm quite happy and content. I'm happy to be alive. I'm okay... except for that one thing. . . . I know that getting those grades that I covet will require me to give up a portion of those things I mentioned. I question, "Is it worth it? Are grades really that important?" And most importantly, "What if I end up in that place again? If I gamble and play at the edge of it, what if the pull of that place becomes stronger this time? Will I have the strength to pull back? Will I be able to recognise quickly enough before I fall back again?" I don't have the answer to those questions. I am confused.
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Here's another topic that I feel is important to talk about: pressure. A disclaimer; I am not about to provide anyone with some magical formula on defeating the state of being under pressure. Trust me, I would like to come across said formula, myself. Today, I'm going to be focusing on a specific type of pressure and one that which I have suffered a lot from in the past, and still trying to come to terms with today; imaginary expectations. I actually came across that term while watching Elevation Church's video "Pressure Points" on YouTube. Before watching that video, it was something I had dealt with but had no term to label it with. Anyways, according to Steven Furtick, imaginary expectations are things that we think other people expect from us when in reality, they actually don't. It's us neurotically obsessing over every minor detail to avoid any and every misstep that will hinder us from becoming the person our loved ones wanted us to be-- a concept we decided ourselves. Oh, the irony! There's no point hiding the fact that I tend to be an overachiever and a perfectionist. I will not submit a project if it is in a state that does not meet my criteria. I will have all the materials I need at hand on the hours preceding submission; and I will obsess over perfecting it until the very last second of handing it in. In some cases, I have even risked handing in my work late just because it wasn't enough by the time it was due. I have once even acquired the nickname of Miss Perfect in Art Class for my obsession with dimensions. While others did freehand calculations and bordering, I had with me my arsenal of rulers and pencils to make sure that everything was perfectly symmetrical and the focal point, in the dead center. This neurotic work ethic surely paid off. Top marks were in order. Being at the top of the class was inevitable. Essays, research papers, portfolios-- teachers often regarded them as exemplary work and kept them as reference to be shown to other students in other classes about to embark on similar projects. All these made me feel good simply for the fact that it made my parents proud. Knowing that I have behaved myself as someone my parents could be proud of has always been the most euphoric experience for me. However, with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In IBDP 1, I received my first taste of dystopia in the form of a chemistry test result. Before handing our results over, our teacher made it clear that he was a bit disappointed about the collective performance of the class on the test. However, there were 5 students that did better than the rest. I listened to each name before realising that none of those had been mine. Sixth... good but not good enough to be on that top 5. In some ways, I regard that test as the catalyst (get it?) to the emotional decline I suffered from in the 2 years that I was in the IBDP. Without going over the details, I felt that every ounce of victory I have achieved throughout MYP lead to the hyper-concentration of failures I have experienced in the IBDP. The distress I felt every day caused by the fear of facing another failure in school actually lead to the fact that I had spent the majority of my Year 12 at home rather than attend school (which is very wrong, please do not copy this behaviour). By the end of IBDP, my neuroticism pulled me through despite all the challenges (internal, mostly such as anxiety, depression, procrastination, self-doubt) and I graduated at the top of my class. However, it was not a satisfying "win". I was not that proud. In fact, I cried for at least three days upon receiving my IBDP results. I scored 30/45, the same score I had gotten on that fated chemistry test. My parents expressed their pride towards my "achievement" and proudly announced to everyone who inquired that I graduated high school with an International Baccalaureate Diploma-- undoubtedly, a fancy term for such a simple-looking paper. However, I was convinced that their outward projection of pride towards me was, in truth, an act of pity to comfort me for failing and was ultimately a farce. To me, the situation was that I may have gotten the diploma but I have not reached the standard expected of myself despite ranking first in my graduating class. And now we go back to the topic of imaginary expectations. I had a talk with my parents recently that made me realise that I even had imaginary expectations. I presume that at some point of the talk regarding university applications, gap year activities, and whatnot, I started talking in the nervous, self-doubting way I did whenever I felt that others overestimated my abilities. That was when my dad told me, "Justine, you know, you only have one problem-- and that is that you think that we think you're a failure when you're the only one who feels that way. We know that you want to make us proud but you think too much about us wanting you to be X and Y when we never even imposed those expectations on you. We are proud of your achievements, why can't you just accept that?" Why can't I just accept that? That made me think, actually. I couldn't accept it because I thought that I had to win all the time. I thought that I had to only bring home the best scores every time. I thought that the only way I could make my parents truly proud was if I could get an IB score in the 40s and get accepted at a top-tier university straight after high school. I thought that since I have not achieved that IB 40s; and although I have gotten accepted to a top-tier university, I was not able to enroll because I did not get offered a scholarship; and thus I am now on a gap year-- I have not reached their expectations and therefore, have not made them proud. But that was it... I thought. Thinking about it now, my parents never actually said that they expected any of those from me; I just assumed they did. I misaligned my own expectations and standards towards myself as theirs of me. For someone who owns a lot of rulers, I surely miscalculated this one. Hello! This is the first #ThrowbackThursday which is a feature I will be every last Thursday of each month. Since this is my first #ThrowbackThursday in Unhesitant-- my brand new blog from which you are reading this on, I will be doing a feature on my old blog (justinedoesib.weebly.com/). Although I am no longer updating the "Justine does the IB" blog, it remains special to me. I consider it to be my very first blogging site. It is an online portfolio of the various stuff I have been busy with throughout my IBDP years. Since I was sure no one was reading it, if you look hard enough, you would find some very personal rant sessions and self-consolation sessions in there.
Originally created for the purpose of being a CAS portfolio, it became so much more than that. My classmates often told me that I was spending way too much effort on something that wouldn't even be graded but amidst the stress and deadlines associated with the IBDP, I craved for a creative outlet. When I was still in MYP, especially Year 10, creative writing was my expressive outlet. 'Awry' had been the result of it, in addition to various stories I have posted online under anonymous usernames (they shall remain my little secrets :P). However, creative writing required time and energy above all things which I neither had while I was in the IBDP. Whenever I had energy, I didn't have time for there were more urgent and important things I needed to attend to. Whenever I had the time, I didn't have the energy for all my mental juices have been spent on homework and various assessment tasks. A blog, which I was confident no one would read (or even if they did, I did not particularly care), was informal and quick. It was like an online diary. Whatever I had in mind, at the moment, I could just write it. Granted that there are not very many blog posts in "Justine does the IB" at the moment (I have since deleted some), I still consider that blog a necessary component to my sanity while being under the IBDP. Additionally, that blog contains so much memories--- just look through the Gallery section and you'll see. |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
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