Here's another topic that I feel is important to talk about: pressure. A disclaimer; I am not about to provide anyone with some magical formula on defeating the state of being under pressure. Trust me, I would like to come across said formula, myself. Today, I'm going to be focusing on a specific type of pressure and one that which I have suffered a lot from in the past, and still trying to come to terms with today; imaginary expectations. I actually came across that term while watching Elevation Church's video "Pressure Points" on YouTube. Before watching that video, it was something I had dealt with but had no term to label it with. Anyways, according to Steven Furtick, imaginary expectations are things that we think other people expect from us when in reality, they actually don't. It's us neurotically obsessing over every minor detail to avoid any and every misstep that will hinder us from becoming the person our loved ones wanted us to be-- a concept we decided ourselves. Oh, the irony! There's no point hiding the fact that I tend to be an overachiever and a perfectionist. I will not submit a project if it is in a state that does not meet my criteria. I will have all the materials I need at hand on the hours preceding submission; and I will obsess over perfecting it until the very last second of handing it in. In some cases, I have even risked handing in my work late just because it wasn't enough by the time it was due. I have once even acquired the nickname of Miss Perfect in Art Class for my obsession with dimensions. While others did freehand calculations and bordering, I had with me my arsenal of rulers and pencils to make sure that everything was perfectly symmetrical and the focal point, in the dead center. This neurotic work ethic surely paid off. Top marks were in order. Being at the top of the class was inevitable. Essays, research papers, portfolios-- teachers often regarded them as exemplary work and kept them as reference to be shown to other students in other classes about to embark on similar projects. All these made me feel good simply for the fact that it made my parents proud. Knowing that I have behaved myself as someone my parents could be proud of has always been the most euphoric experience for me. However, with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In IBDP 1, I received my first taste of dystopia in the form of a chemistry test result. Before handing our results over, our teacher made it clear that he was a bit disappointed about the collective performance of the class on the test. However, there were 5 students that did better than the rest. I listened to each name before realising that none of those had been mine. Sixth... good but not good enough to be on that top 5. In some ways, I regard that test as the catalyst (get it?) to the emotional decline I suffered from in the 2 years that I was in the IBDP. Without going over the details, I felt that every ounce of victory I have achieved throughout MYP lead to the hyper-concentration of failures I have experienced in the IBDP. The distress I felt every day caused by the fear of facing another failure in school actually lead to the fact that I had spent the majority of my Year 12 at home rather than attend school (which is very wrong, please do not copy this behaviour). By the end of IBDP, my neuroticism pulled me through despite all the challenges (internal, mostly such as anxiety, depression, procrastination, self-doubt) and I graduated at the top of my class. However, it was not a satisfying "win". I was not that proud. In fact, I cried for at least three days upon receiving my IBDP results. I scored 30/45, the same score I had gotten on that fated chemistry test. My parents expressed their pride towards my "achievement" and proudly announced to everyone who inquired that I graduated high school with an International Baccalaureate Diploma-- undoubtedly, a fancy term for such a simple-looking paper. However, I was convinced that their outward projection of pride towards me was, in truth, an act of pity to comfort me for failing and was ultimately a farce. To me, the situation was that I may have gotten the diploma but I have not reached the standard expected of myself despite ranking first in my graduating class. And now we go back to the topic of imaginary expectations. I had a talk with my parents recently that made me realise that I even had imaginary expectations. I presume that at some point of the talk regarding university applications, gap year activities, and whatnot, I started talking in the nervous, self-doubting way I did whenever I felt that others overestimated my abilities. That was when my dad told me, "Justine, you know, you only have one problem-- and that is that you think that we think you're a failure when you're the only one who feels that way. We know that you want to make us proud but you think too much about us wanting you to be X and Y when we never even imposed those expectations on you. We are proud of your achievements, why can't you just accept that?" Why can't I just accept that? That made me think, actually. I couldn't accept it because I thought that I had to win all the time. I thought that I had to only bring home the best scores every time. I thought that the only way I could make my parents truly proud was if I could get an IB score in the 40s and get accepted at a top-tier university straight after high school. I thought that since I have not achieved that IB 40s; and although I have gotten accepted to a top-tier university, I was not able to enroll because I did not get offered a scholarship; and thus I am now on a gap year-- I have not reached their expectations and therefore, have not made them proud. But that was it... I thought. Thinking about it now, my parents never actually said that they expected any of those from me; I just assumed they did. I misaligned my own expectations and standards towards myself as theirs of me. For someone who owns a lot of rulers, I surely miscalculated this one.
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