I know I've been listening to Crush by Tessa Violet but boi, I haven't actually had a crush in ages. Recently, I remember saying to myself, "I wish I liked someone. I think I'm ready to feel feelings for an actual human being-- someone who's not fictional." And so wish I did. I'm not one to catch feelings easily anyways, I said to myself. Attraction based on looks alone fade fast for me. And since I've started my freshman year at uni, I've had a few eye candies-- three, to be precise. The first one looked awfully similar to a fictional character I really love. I fangirled over that fact for a few weeks but it never really developed into a crush. I see him most days a week and I just admire how he seems so in-character all the time but that's it. I don't really like-like him. The second one was a short one. He was pretty. I admired that fact for about two days. I thought he could be gay... but then again, maybe he's not. Anyways, I don't have a crush on him. I don't even find him that pretty anymore, maybe I just didn't look long enough the first time. Oh well. The third one, honestly, he also looked too fictional to be real the first time I saw him, that's why I got interested. He has long hair which makes him look like your stereotypical cartoon Prince Charming. He's very good at the class we take together (I won't tell, haha). We got paired up together once and I think I looked like an idiot. He's fashionable too that to be honest, there was a time wherein I thought he was gay. It seems like I was mistaken though so, yep. Actually, unlike the first two, I still kinda have a very small crush on this one. It hasn't developed into anything bigger because there's kind of a deal-breaker: he's short :( Okay, now that might sound very superficial-- and probably it is, but we're the same height when I'm wearing my normal shoes, what more when I wear heels? I'd be a giant next to him and that's awkward. And now, we come to the most recent one. The crush-ish I developed over the weekend-- and also only lasted for a weekend because I saw him earlier today and I've decided that it's best to just get over it right now. For the sake of convenience, let's call him Matt.
On that fateful weekend though, I noticed, "Damn, this guy's pretty good-looking". Then I looked around the room at the other girls and no one seemed to be making googley-eyes at him so I said, "Perfect!" Yo, he could pass as a certain celebrity's double. He's good-looking I say. He's good-looking and soft-spoken, I didn't realise that point at the time. And so, earlier today, when I went to the library to kill some time before the class session we have for post-processing after the activity, I was unpleasantly surprised. Imagine this scene. He's descending from the stairs just as I enter the room, right then, we were on a perpendicular position. I see him but he is looking straight ahead. I look at him and I panic whether I should engage in eye contact or not. Then, he turns towards my direction and as he does, it is revealed to me that the space on his left was occupied by a girl who was possibly holding onto his arm. I couldn't confirm because by then, I looked away. Then, the mofo decides to sit on the space diagonally in front of me during the class session. (I'm kind-of convinced that God has been teasing me a good lot this year: always putting something I want just within reach but me never being able to get it.) Yo, the classroom was, like, filled with empty chairs-- why couldn't he sit somewhere else? Added to the fact that the number of chairs made the room a bit crowded meaning that he was literally just arm's reach in front of me. And goodness, bruh, why did you have to sit facing the side? The teacher's in front, not on your right. There wasn't even anyone sitting on your right-- why'd you have to spend most of the class turned in that direction then, huh? Dude, you're kinda tall and so half of my forward vision is literally just your side-profile and I wasn't asking for that! You have a girl, probably-- I didn't need any more reasons to like you. I needed the opposite. Mofo... I wanted a crush-- all dem lovely feelings that people always talk about. It's been so long that I don't really get it when people say that having a crush on someone gives them inspiration to do more and better. See, I don't get that. I don't know how that feels.
All I've gotten from my mini crush though, was disappointment with a hint of sadness. This is the worst, I've been duped...
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As long as the times of which I go on hiatus, so was a time when I mulled this one particular thought over and over... Should I continue following Jan *not the real name* on Instagram, or should I unfollow? Let's break it down, shall we? 1. Jan is perfect. Their Instagram pictures are perfect. They post nothing but the most artsy and perfect shots at XX City's most colourful and iconic places. 2. Jan is smart. While I'm not aware of the exact figures but she probably graduated (high school) nothing short but on the top tier of their class. I do follow them on GoodReads though, and they have read a lot of books. 3. Jan is loved , adored, and praised by many. More Instagram followers than I could ever gain. 4. Jan is doing something I would love to do-- a fashion-related job. 5. Jan has friends who take great photos of them. I love my friends (and my sister) but they need to step up their game. 6. Jan looks great in photos and knows how to pose. I keep on telling myself that it must be the angle and the lighting, and how the picture was taken... No, it's just me. 7. Jan looks comfortable and confident with herself. I constantly look awkward af. I am awkward af. 8. Jan is my age. I constantly feel like I need to step up my game. 9. Jan is someone that I know personally. Why did i unfollow them? Well, the decision took a long time. It took a year... I unfollowed them because I was feeling unhappy. Whenever I saw their posts or updates, I feel so inadequate. I feel unaccomplished. Even if I were feeling kinda good about myself that day, expect it to go way down once I see their post. If I had a selfie or an Instagram story I've been prepping to post, expect me to immediately delete it. I know envy and belittling one's self in comparison to others are very bad practices but I couldn't help it whenever I saw their posts. I tried my best, even desensitising myself, with their pictures so that I get over it, but I never did. The main reason why it took me a year before finally unfollowing them was because I kept on stubbornly willing myself to unfeel what I feel by seeing their posts. I unfollowed them because Instagram to me, is supposed to inspire you. The only thing their Instagram did to me was inspire me to hide myself even more. I unfollowed them because I can. This was what I kept telling myself, and finally the point that convinced me to do it, "There's no rule saying that just because you know someone personally means that you have to follow them on Instagram or be friends with them on Facebook." I unfollowed them because I had to, as a responsibility to myself. It took me a year to decide whether I should unfollow them or not. But, it took me longer hiding behind their shadow and doubting that anything I could ever do could be as good as theirs. I felt like the only way I could reveal myself as a unique and creative individual in my own right was to prioritise myself a little; to finally stop thinking about what one person, who may not even be as aware of me as I am hyper-aware of them, might think of me. I said to myself, "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." 3 months later... Due to my long absence, I was scrolling around my drafts today for a blog post I already started but never finished writing, and ultimately never published (such a savvy writer, I am). And so, I saw the rough draft for this one (which was dated near my birthday, so unfollowing them was my birthday gift to myself) and thought it was perfect. Today, 11th July, 2018, I was on Facebook and saw Jan's new fashion-y, photogenic posts promoting their new YouTube channel. (Yes, I unfollowed her on Instagram but she's still my Facebook friend. I'm a coward. BUT, I'm only in Facebook like every 6 months, other than Messenger, for almost two years now so meh.) And when I saw those posts, I immediately thought...
They didn't do anything against me personally which is why I actually feel mean because I feel like I'm being so antagonistic towards them for no particular reason. But, whatever. If I keep on thinking about why I like something or why I hate something with seemingly no particular reason any longer than I already have, I'm going to go crazy. So, you, the one reading this, don't think about that shizz, please. Anyways, back to my 3 months later progress report... I have been feeling a lot better since then. After unfollowing them, I went on an Instagram cleanse, as well as a follow spree. I unfollowed people/accounts that don't add to the quality of my life; there was no exception. I started following people whom after a few minutes (to hours) of Instagram stalking, I felt like I liked their style and the vibe of their posts and would want to keep seeing that on my feed. Since then, my Instagram feed has been full of people that don't make me want to retract into obscurity but rather inspire me to do better myself. One of the most notable accounts are Day6 fan accounts. Now, if you don't know Day6, let me educate you! Day6 is a South-Korean band consisting of 5 members, Sungjin, Jae, Dowoon, Young K, and Wonpil. They all play instruments and they all, ALL sing. Dowoon's occasional deep voice, back vocals are cute so just agree with me. They're officially considered as a K-pop band according to Wikipedia, though, nothing against K-pop and all, I like K-pop but, Day6 is a BAND. They recently released an album titled, Shoot Me. So, go give them a listen because they're great and they inspire me to be a better musician. And, whenever I watch their MVs, it makes me guilty... guilty that I am not playing guitar and singing at this exact same moment! So pass me my guitar and lez get it! STAN DAY6! I tried being more brave as well, and just post what I feel like posting on my Instagram story because the world needs more pictures of my cat (with me occasionally lurking in the background) and my jokes that my sister thinks are funny, at least. And eyyo, I've posted at least two photos on my account as well, since then. One of them was a Boomerang of me swishing my frilly dress about in front of a Dubai landmark. And because the Boomerang was obviously fashion blogger/Youtuber-esque, instead of not posting it (like I did with so many pictures I wanted to share before) or pretending for it to be something that it's not, I just claimed it. I captioned it with (something along the lines of because I still want my personal account to be anonymous-ish :P), "Let it be awkward! What's wrong with being awkward?" I've also posted a guitar cover on my Instagram story, and I legit never do that. Soon, I also want to start my own YouTube channel. It's not because I want to copy Jan, no. I want to start a Youtube channel because I've been playing guitar for years and I feel like I haven't progressed as much as I liked. However, I figured that whenever I had to do it (like when people ask me to be an accompanying guitarist to something, my mom requests a song, I get invited to play in a band, etc.) I progress much faster and better than months of idle playing. (Also, you can already see how much Day6 has positively influenced me.) So, stay tuned for updates and make sure to subscribe! Oh, and there's more! I also finished Sejong 1 of the Korean Language Course. Woohoo! Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to install a good on-screen Korean keyboard on my laptop (or maybe start writing blog posts using "my" iPad once my mom actually gives me her iPad). But, when that happens, expect to have more multilingual b.s. posts written in here as I use this site as a platform to practice my languages. Haha, look forward to it! "No One's going to make the decision for you to love and appreciate you other than yourself. Remember, No One loves you." I am still working on myself. It's a continuous project. I did not click "unfollow" and then suddenly, all my worries and insecurities went *poof*. I'm still hoping for the day that I look at Jan and not compare myself with them anymore. But if that never happens, I will still choose to be happy.
There's no rule stating who you should and shouldn't follow. Heck, why shouldn't you like your own picture? Just do whatever makes you happy. Happy scrolling! It was January 1, the first day of the year, and I was feeling very change-y (I dub thee 'change-y' as an official word in no one's dictionary starting today.) The night was young at 11:55 PM and in those last 5 minutes before the day expired, I was determined starting off the fresh year with a bang. And so voila! After a year and a half-long abstinence from high-maintenance hairstyles starting in mid-2016, I was craving to try on something new. You see, before that period, I was rather experimental with my hair. 6 months was the longest duration in which I would keep a style before moving on to the next one. I've had layers-- all types of them from semi-layers to just layers on the front to choppy layers, you name it. I've enjoyed long hair and all the types of braids you could do with it; medium hair and all its fun half-dos; and short hair which is simply awesome after a brief blow-dry. I've had my fair share of fun in hair colour too. Reds, pinks, and orange (mostly just variations of warm tones because the colour choice here in the UAE is very limited, as well as, fade out way too easily) streaky highlights that were strategically hidden in my mop of hair was my take on edginess and teenage rebellion. And finally, to top off every look, I've always had fringes. I've tried side bangs; baby bangs; covering-one-eye bangs; choppy, emo bangs; blunt bangs; and, middle-parted bangs.
In 2016, however, when my bangs grew too long, I just decided to fully grow them out and maintain a simple bob haircut-- the type that did not require any styling, whatsoever. You just take a shower and go. I honestly did not even comb my hair anymore, and then, I was too distracted with IB to care. |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
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