I know I've been listening to Crush by Tessa Violet but boi, I haven't actually had a crush in ages. Recently, I remember saying to myself, "I wish I liked someone. I think I'm ready to feel feelings for an actual human being-- someone who's not fictional." And so wish I did. I'm not one to catch feelings easily anyways, I said to myself. Attraction based on looks alone fade fast for me. And since I've started my freshman year at uni, I've had a few eye candies-- three, to be precise. The first one looked awfully similar to a fictional character I really love. I fangirled over that fact for a few weeks but it never really developed into a crush. I see him most days a week and I just admire how he seems so in-character all the time but that's it. I don't really like-like him. The second one was a short one. He was pretty. I admired that fact for about two days. I thought he could be gay... but then again, maybe he's not. Anyways, I don't have a crush on him. I don't even find him that pretty anymore, maybe I just didn't look long enough the first time. Oh well. The third one, honestly, he also looked too fictional to be real the first time I saw him, that's why I got interested. He has long hair which makes him look like your stereotypical cartoon Prince Charming. He's very good at the class we take together (I won't tell, haha). We got paired up together once and I think I looked like an idiot. He's fashionable too that to be honest, there was a time wherein I thought he was gay. It seems like I was mistaken though so, yep. Actually, unlike the first two, I still kinda have a very small crush on this one. It hasn't developed into anything bigger because there's kind of a deal-breaker: he's short :( Okay, now that might sound very superficial-- and probably it is, but we're the same height when I'm wearing my normal shoes, what more when I wear heels? I'd be a giant next to him and that's awkward. And now, we come to the most recent one. The crush-ish I developed over the weekend-- and also only lasted for a weekend because I saw him earlier today and I've decided that it's best to just get over it right now. For the sake of convenience, let's call him Matt.
On that fateful weekend though, I noticed, "Damn, this guy's pretty good-looking". Then I looked around the room at the other girls and no one seemed to be making googley-eyes at him so I said, "Perfect!" Yo, he could pass as a certain celebrity's double. He's good-looking I say. He's good-looking and soft-spoken, I didn't realise that point at the time. And so, earlier today, when I went to the library to kill some time before the class session we have for post-processing after the activity, I was unpleasantly surprised. Imagine this scene. He's descending from the stairs just as I enter the room, right then, we were on a perpendicular position. I see him but he is looking straight ahead. I look at him and I panic whether I should engage in eye contact or not. Then, he turns towards my direction and as he does, it is revealed to me that the space on his left was occupied by a girl who was possibly holding onto his arm. I couldn't confirm because by then, I looked away. Then, the mofo decides to sit on the space diagonally in front of me during the class session. (I'm kind-of convinced that God has been teasing me a good lot this year: always putting something I want just within reach but me never being able to get it.) Yo, the classroom was, like, filled with empty chairs-- why couldn't he sit somewhere else? Added to the fact that the number of chairs made the room a bit crowded meaning that he was literally just arm's reach in front of me. And goodness, bruh, why did you have to sit facing the side? The teacher's in front, not on your right. There wasn't even anyone sitting on your right-- why'd you have to spend most of the class turned in that direction then, huh? Dude, you're kinda tall and so half of my forward vision is literally just your side-profile and I wasn't asking for that! You have a girl, probably-- I didn't need any more reasons to like you. I needed the opposite. Mofo... I wanted a crush-- all dem lovely feelings that people always talk about. It's been so long that I don't really get it when people say that having a crush on someone gives them inspiration to do more and better. See, I don't get that. I don't know how that feels.
All I've gotten from my mini crush though, was disappointment with a hint of sadness. This is the worst, I've been duped...
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