Yo, I usually like to think of myself as someone who gives in a lot of effort. I'm extra af, if I haven't already established that. But of course, I am an anxious child and more often than not, I sink into the thinking that I'm only putting the normal/enough amount of effort-- and when I open up to someone about it, they look at me crazily, as if they want to smack me upside the head, then tell me with a firm 'no' that I put in above average effort. Frankly, the first few times it happened, I just thought that maybe people were trying to make me feel better. But it has now happened too often enough that I'll just believe that there's a semblance of truth to it. I do put in a lot of effort to most of the things that I do. However, I often find myself thinking how effort, or rather, the extent of it, is even important in success; in getting the results that you want. What is enough, and what isn't? How would you know otherwise? And why in the freaking heck do I question myself whether I've given something enough effort or not, months after it happened? Like brain, my man, I thought we were on the same team? Realistically speaking, though, money, unfortunately, outweighs effort. By a landslide, if I must say. If you don't believe me, then you must have more money than you may have realised. I went into a gap year after high school, confident, that with the extra amount of free time that I have and the number of schools I'd be applying to, after a year, my only dilemma would be choosing which school to attend. I prefer not to give away too much detail at the moment but let's just say that it's almost the end of my gap year and I'm left anxious in a situation I hadn't anticipated. At the very least, I could tell you that at this very moment, I feel crossed and very frankly, treated unfairly by fate. I put in a lot of effort. I'll admit that. I led a productive and sterling high school career. I'll profess that. But I can't seem to get things to work the way they want to no matter how much effort I exert. And the people whom I've outperformed then, are mostly in better, secure, and stable situations now. I'm not saying that they got where they were solely through money but I'd say that that certainly helped.
Life is unfair. Fate is unfair. Life favours those who can pay. Fate occurs if you could afford it. And yes, I am bitching about it but it had to be said.
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D'accord, je vais ecrire cette post en francais. Cependant, s'il vous plait etre sympas avec moi et mon grammaire parce que, je n'ecrivais pas pour des longue temps.
J'ai voulu a ecrire en francais parce que... rien. Je ne sais pas. Je me sentais comme ca. It's been an "eh" kind of few weeks. A good news, I've passed the document screening stage to a top-choice uni about two weeks ago, which means that I'll be having a phone interview this weekend (wish me luck!). The rest of the news, however, that I've received these past few weeks are not so good. The mood at home has significantly gone down because of that and quite honestly, the situation has left me questioning whether it even matters if I do well on this weekend's interview or not. Of course, I want to do well on the interview. I want to do extremely well. I want to stand out. I want to be heard and be listened to. I want to get accepted. I want to get a scholarship this time. I want to be partially self-sufficient during my college years. I want to go to that uni. I want to attend that uni. I want to graduate from that uni... so bad. . . . At the same time, however, at the back of my mind where my stinging awareness of the reality resides, I question whether that could even be possible-- because the chances of it working out seems a little too slim to be optimistic about in this current reality. There's an imagined future situation where I don't even get in and/or our home situation worsens. Another one has me getting in but not being able to go (again) with or without the current home situation. Another one still, is where I fall in a lucid pit of anxiety due surrounded by my rejection letters and in strained patience waiting for other results. And yet another one is where I do get in (favourably) but end up feeling guilty and in a struggle of conscience because attending would mean leaving whether or not the situation at home brightens or not. What are the odds that we end up in a win-win? I don't know if it's my muddled-state-of-thoughts-and-anxious-mood-that-prevents-me-from-seeing-things-in-a-greater-picture-and-missing-out-on-the-details-that-ultimately-make-the-situation-that I'm-in-not-as-dire-as-it-seems-in-my-mind talking but my mind tends to think that a win-win result out of this mess is a probability of 1 in 14,000,605.
And that had basically been my mood for the past few weeks and fuck damn, I feel a bit better letting some of it out. I'm still smiling you know, and manage not to cry (too much). I don't know whether that's helping or prepping me up for a breakdown later because let's be honest, sometimes, being "in control of your emotions" isn't really a good thing. I pray every single night too and legit believe that whatever happens, happens and would serve a purpose in the future even if that purpose doesn't get realised 'til years later. Praying is keeping me a percentage amount of sane and calm too. . . . Anyways, the videos below are some gospel songs that I accidentally listened to thanks to my mom's nightly habit of leaving YouTube open at night and on auto-play. I honestly haven't heard the below songs in a long while but I'm so glad I got to hear them again especially in the lurid state I was sinking into because of the not-so-good bombs I got subjected to today. I'd like to believe that me accidentally listening to these songs tonight aren't much of accidents--- but divine reminders not to lose faith... not ever. the lines highlighted in green ARE REPRESENTATIVE TO WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. Oh what I would do to have The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out his hand But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a Sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win" But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me (Calling out to me) I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high From on top of them looking down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me But the voice of truth tells me a different story And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe I will listen and believe the voice of truth I will listen and believe Because Jesus you are the voice of truth And I will listen to you You are... (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) From where I'm standing Lord it's so hard for me to see Where this is going And where You're leading me I wish I knew how All my fears and all my questions Are gonna play out In a world I can't control Oh, oh When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there Oh, oh, oh, oh From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design That You imagined When You breathed me into life And all the chaos Comes together in Your hands Like a masterpiece Of Your picture perfect plan When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived I can't wait to enjoy the view And see how all the pieces fit [x2] One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived Cause You're already there You're already there When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there You are already there (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) I was sure by now
God, you would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen," and it's still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you And raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can't find you But as the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain "I'm with you" And as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The maker of Heaven and Earth I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The maker of Heaven and Earth And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands For you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm Though my heart is torn (Though my heart is torn) I will praise you in this storm (Praise you in this storm) (SOURCE: CLICK HERE) |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
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