Today we had a celebrity speaker come to our school as part of this programme. Said celebrity speaker is a well-known Filipino musician of whom I know quite a few songs of but whether I am a huge fan or not, I'd say not really. I like his songs but I don't really follow him as much as Parokya ni Edgar, for example. Now, attendance to these workshops/talks in this programme are done through online enlistment (during which I fell soundly asleep and almost missed: read about it by clicking this orange link). Needless to say, I wanted to attend that workshop with the celebrity speaker because a) it's a music-related workshop and DAMN, I WANT, and b) dude, there are a few times in your life that you'll get to meet a celebrity for free. Anyways, the past few days, I decided that I'll attend the workshop even though I'm not officially enlisted in that class. However, since I've been waiting for seats to become available in that class, I thought that I may not even get in the class due to unavailability of extra seats-- therefore, I might go to school extra early for nothing. So, last night, I just decided that I'll just attend the classes that I officially enlisted for. BUT, this morning, as I was sitting at home, waiting to go out for my enlisted class-- I saw my uni's official Instagram post a story about that particular workshop and guess what? THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF FUCKING EMPTY SEATS! Anyways, all complaints aside, here's the point I'm trying to get across, and hopefully answered: why do we want to see people just because they're famous? I'm not saying that this is always the case but allow me to let you ponder it for a while...
Have you ever wanted to attend an event before, one that doesn't require a considerable amount of effort nor money, just because a famous person was going to be there? If you have then, you know what I mean. If you don't then, you're lying or seriously need to get out more.
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i'm not doing as well as i want but, i don't feel as bad about it than i think i should-- help(?)10/9/2018 I am not happy. But, I'm also not sad. I am worried about my grades but at the same time, not really. I am one and another at the same time so someone, please open the box and confirm either one of them. I'm a blur of probability. I'm Schrödinger's cat. Basically, in colloquial terms... A part of me right now is saying, "Let's not make haste, you haven't gotten your advisory marks yet! You might be doing better than you think! It's happened before right?" Well, yeah. It has happened before. I have previously cried over grades that ended up better than I expected. But, girl... I is not blind. I can see the marks on the quizzes and tests I've gotten back so far-- and I don't see them as "A" material. So basically, according to my own assessment-- I'm currently a "C" student (possibly a "D" but let's be positive here). And, I don't want that(?) Yo, I graduated high school at the top of my class-- this is embarrassing. And honestly, I don't find the material excessively difficult either (maybe except math and theo). Sure, I do find that some test formats are different than what I've gotten accustomed to (the tests here are very objective while I've been accustomed to questions that always demanded an explanation from me-- why? to what extent? how?). BUT, the point is that, though it might be overconfidence speaking but whateva, I feel like I could do better. I could be a "B" student at least but... why am I not? Why do I not feel worried enough to act on it? Why am I like this? Now, I do know part of the reason why I'm like this right now and, if you've been reading my blog, you already know what's coming. I had a horrible depressive period in high school-- to the point that I was suicidal. And, a major reason as to why that happened was because I was putting a lot of pressure onto myself in terms of academics. I started off IBDP1 with not-so-decent grades as well. We're talking barely passing the half-mark in Math tests and around 11-15 point errancies in Chemistry. It was bad-- I was doing badly and in retrospect, kinda like how I'm doing right now. Those grades took a huge toll on me, emotionally and mentally. Long story short, I beat up myself A LOT for not performing well, as well as I believed I SHOULD. I was unhappy. I had a lot of crying fits. I constantly wanted to isolate myself. I had panic attacks. And at one point, I was suicidal. It wasn't a very pretty phase in my life. I'm okay now, though, and that experience serves as a reminder to myself that that's a place I'd hope to never return to again. I care about myself more now. My priorities have shifted and it's now holistic, personal wellbeing over everything else. I now, quite honestly, don't know what to do. At one hand, I feel like I should do whatever it takes to make sure that my grades are way up there as I believe they could. But, at the same time, the kind of lifestyle I'm living right now is quite nice. I get to sleep an adequate amount per night (I sleep 7-9 hours a night now). I devote ample time to relaxation, which in turn, helps me deal with stress. I have some time for hobbies such as music-making and writing (hey, have you noticed I've been quite active recently?). And, I go to school rather confidently everyday because I invest time in my overall appearance.
To be honest, aside from the academic aspect of my life right now, I'm quite happy and content. I'm happy to be alive. I'm okay... except for that one thing. . . . I know that getting those grades that I covet will require me to give up a portion of those things I mentioned. I question, "Is it worth it? Are grades really that important?" And most importantly, "What if I end up in that place again? If I gamble and play at the edge of it, what if the pull of that place becomes stronger this time? Will I have the strength to pull back? Will I be able to recognise quickly enough before I fall back again?" I don't have the answer to those questions. I am confused. Woah, two posts in a week? I'm on a roll, baby! . . . If you've read my previous post (maybe I'll post more regularly if I see that people are actually reading and commenting regularly ;) ), you might remember me saying that God is teasing me. Well, it's confirmed. He totally is. Today, we had to enlist for electives. I remember saying specifically, this morning, that I should NOT take a nap tonight before enlistment so that I could save slots for the classes I wanted. There were already two that I was eyeing-- and I wanted them... badly enough. Do you remember back in 2011 when Justin Bieber kept on telling us that we should "Never Say Never"? Yeah, well, he's not wrong. Here's what happened: I always get sleepy after eating dinner and, tonight was no exception. I literally fell asleep with half my body on the couch and half on the floor but that's not even the worst part.
I eventually woke up from my nap and coincidentally, it was 45 minutes before my enlistment schedule. I said, alright!... Then I fell asleep again. But, I woke up! 15 minutes before enlistment-- I'm almost there! I entered in my log-in details and I was ready to click log-in at any time. And then the next thing I know, it was 11:30PM-- there were only 30 minutes left to enlist. Fuck. Well, obviously, I didn't get any of the classes I wanted because they were already full! And I said that I don't like classes that start in the afternoon, leaving my morning idle. Guess what? I ended up enlisting for two afternoon classes. Fuck. I know I've been listening to Crush by Tessa Violet but boi, I haven't actually had a crush in ages. Recently, I remember saying to myself, "I wish I liked someone. I think I'm ready to feel feelings for an actual human being-- someone who's not fictional." And so wish I did. I'm not one to catch feelings easily anyways, I said to myself. Attraction based on looks alone fade fast for me. And since I've started my freshman year at uni, I've had a few eye candies-- three, to be precise. The first one looked awfully similar to a fictional character I really love. I fangirled over that fact for a few weeks but it never really developed into a crush. I see him most days a week and I just admire how he seems so in-character all the time but that's it. I don't really like-like him. The second one was a short one. He was pretty. I admired that fact for about two days. I thought he could be gay... but then again, maybe he's not. Anyways, I don't have a crush on him. I don't even find him that pretty anymore, maybe I just didn't look long enough the first time. Oh well. The third one, honestly, he also looked too fictional to be real the first time I saw him, that's why I got interested. He has long hair which makes him look like your stereotypical cartoon Prince Charming. He's very good at the class we take together (I won't tell, haha). We got paired up together once and I think I looked like an idiot. He's fashionable too that to be honest, there was a time wherein I thought he was gay. It seems like I was mistaken though so, yep. Actually, unlike the first two, I still kinda have a very small crush on this one. It hasn't developed into anything bigger because there's kind of a deal-breaker: he's short :( Okay, now that might sound very superficial-- and probably it is, but we're the same height when I'm wearing my normal shoes, what more when I wear heels? I'd be a giant next to him and that's awkward. And now, we come to the most recent one. The crush-ish I developed over the weekend-- and also only lasted for a weekend because I saw him earlier today and I've decided that it's best to just get over it right now. For the sake of convenience, let's call him Matt.
On that fateful weekend though, I noticed, "Damn, this guy's pretty good-looking". Then I looked around the room at the other girls and no one seemed to be making googley-eyes at him so I said, "Perfect!" Yo, he could pass as a certain celebrity's double. He's good-looking I say. He's good-looking and soft-spoken, I didn't realise that point at the time. And so, earlier today, when I went to the library to kill some time before the class session we have for post-processing after the activity, I was unpleasantly surprised. Imagine this scene. He's descending from the stairs just as I enter the room, right then, we were on a perpendicular position. I see him but he is looking straight ahead. I look at him and I panic whether I should engage in eye contact or not. Then, he turns towards my direction and as he does, it is revealed to me that the space on his left was occupied by a girl who was possibly holding onto his arm. I couldn't confirm because by then, I looked away. Then, the mofo decides to sit on the space diagonally in front of me during the class session. (I'm kind-of convinced that God has been teasing me a good lot this year: always putting something I want just within reach but me never being able to get it.) Yo, the classroom was, like, filled with empty chairs-- why couldn't he sit somewhere else? Added to the fact that the number of chairs made the room a bit crowded meaning that he was literally just arm's reach in front of me. And goodness, bruh, why did you have to sit facing the side? The teacher's in front, not on your right. There wasn't even anyone sitting on your right-- why'd you have to spend most of the class turned in that direction then, huh? Dude, you're kinda tall and so half of my forward vision is literally just your side-profile and I wasn't asking for that! You have a girl, probably-- I didn't need any more reasons to like you. I needed the opposite. Mofo... I wanted a crush-- all dem lovely feelings that people always talk about. It's been so long that I don't really get it when people say that having a crush on someone gives them inspiration to do more and better. See, I don't get that. I don't know how that feels.
All I've gotten from my mini crush though, was disappointment with a hint of sadness. This is the worst, I've been duped... |
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![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
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