i'm not doing as well as i want but, i don't feel as bad about it than i think i should-- help(?)10/9/2018 I am not happy. But, I'm also not sad. I am worried about my grades but at the same time, not really. I am one and another at the same time so someone, please open the box and confirm either one of them. I'm a blur of probability. I'm Schrödinger's cat. Basically, in colloquial terms... A part of me right now is saying, "Let's not make haste, you haven't gotten your advisory marks yet! You might be doing better than you think! It's happened before right?" Well, yeah. It has happened before. I have previously cried over grades that ended up better than I expected. But, girl... I is not blind. I can see the marks on the quizzes and tests I've gotten back so far-- and I don't see them as "A" material. So basically, according to my own assessment-- I'm currently a "C" student (possibly a "D" but let's be positive here). And, I don't want that(?) Yo, I graduated high school at the top of my class-- this is embarrassing. And honestly, I don't find the material excessively difficult either (maybe except math and theo). Sure, I do find that some test formats are different than what I've gotten accustomed to (the tests here are very objective while I've been accustomed to questions that always demanded an explanation from me-- why? to what extent? how?). BUT, the point is that, though it might be overconfidence speaking but whateva, I feel like I could do better. I could be a "B" student at least but... why am I not? Why do I not feel worried enough to act on it? Why am I like this? Now, I do know part of the reason why I'm like this right now and, if you've been reading my blog, you already know what's coming. I had a horrible depressive period in high school-- to the point that I was suicidal. And, a major reason as to why that happened was because I was putting a lot of pressure onto myself in terms of academics. I started off IBDP1 with not-so-decent grades as well. We're talking barely passing the half-mark in Math tests and around 11-15 point errancies in Chemistry. It was bad-- I was doing badly and in retrospect, kinda like how I'm doing right now. Those grades took a huge toll on me, emotionally and mentally. Long story short, I beat up myself A LOT for not performing well, as well as I believed I SHOULD. I was unhappy. I had a lot of crying fits. I constantly wanted to isolate myself. I had panic attacks. And at one point, I was suicidal. It wasn't a very pretty phase in my life. I'm okay now, though, and that experience serves as a reminder to myself that that's a place I'd hope to never return to again. I care about myself more now. My priorities have shifted and it's now holistic, personal wellbeing over everything else. I now, quite honestly, don't know what to do. At one hand, I feel like I should do whatever it takes to make sure that my grades are way up there as I believe they could. But, at the same time, the kind of lifestyle I'm living right now is quite nice. I get to sleep an adequate amount per night (I sleep 7-9 hours a night now). I devote ample time to relaxation, which in turn, helps me deal with stress. I have some time for hobbies such as music-making and writing (hey, have you noticed I've been quite active recently?). And, I go to school rather confidently everyday because I invest time in my overall appearance.
To be honest, aside from the academic aspect of my life right now, I'm quite happy and content. I'm happy to be alive. I'm okay... except for that one thing. . . . I know that getting those grades that I covet will require me to give up a portion of those things I mentioned. I question, "Is it worth it? Are grades really that important?" And most importantly, "What if I end up in that place again? If I gamble and play at the edge of it, what if the pull of that place becomes stronger this time? Will I have the strength to pull back? Will I be able to recognise quickly enough before I fall back again?" I don't have the answer to those questions. I am confused.
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