I consider myself a pretty good friend, honestly. When you need to ask a question, just drop me a text. If the type of help you need requires my physical presence, I will go to you. And if I can't, I will be there with you in spirit by sending you gifs of myself making a fool out of myself. I can and I will give up something/one *ehem* even a crush *ehem* if you wanted it. I am a pretty good friend BUT... I'm not a great friend. The key point is that if you need me, I'll be there, but during the times that you don't, it could be as if I vanished off of the face of the Earth. Period. And that's what makes me a good friend but not a great friend. I don't really have a solid excuse as to why this happens, it just does. I guess part of the reason could be because small talk is something I'm not particularly skilled at. During the times that I do gather the courage to strike up a conversation, I often find myself struggling to keep the conversation going. And because of that, I've become slightly... afraid? Afraid that my initiated conversations and awkward jokes are unwelcome and unanticipated? And so these days I just lurk and wait until you need me for something again or maybe you just thought about me and genuinely wondered how I was doing. At the very least, I hope you at least haven't forgotten about me. ![]() Well, at least I could always depend on my stuffed animals who are all individually named, whose family registries are accounted for, and are animated inside mine and my sister's imagination with each toy having their own complex personalities, quirks, and background stories that all intertwine to create an elaborate world that only my sis and I know about. If you're curious, I might write about it in the future, haha. ~_^ That had been a bit emo, lol. I actually thought about this post after meeting up with a friend last Wednesday. We were talking about how our old group of friends had been and whether either of us have been keeping in touch with each individual member of that group. And then, she said, "I actually don't think that the quality of a friendship depends on the amount of times you talk to the person within a span of time." I thought about that for a bit before agreeing and then I added, "I guess you could also say that the quality of a friendship could also be gauged through how awkward/unnatural a conversation goes whenever you do talk again."
I just thought about it because I do have some friends whom I, at times, don't talk to for weeks but then when I finally do, I could just skip the small talk and laugh with them about something I found hilarious. To be honest, I used to feel so guilty about the whole disappearing act I did, especially after a friend pointed it out two years ago that I often disappear from social media during school breaks. After that and until just a few months ago, I tried striking up chats with friends whom I haven't talked to for maximum 2 weeks. As expected, the chats ended up mostly small talk, and then nothing-- and the cycle repeated when I message them again after some time. After I got exhausted with the cycle, I shrank back into my old habit of disappearing for self-reflection and just to see how many people would notice my disappearance. I can't say I was shocked when there was close to none but still, that wasn't really the point I realised. I realised that some of the people I've been trying so hard to maintain connections with don't even initiate a conversation with me (some not even ever, unless they needed something) or wonder about how I'm doing, when I'm not the one striking up that conversation with them. As one friend sadly told me one day after I struck a conversation with them genuinely wondering how they were, "Do you need something from me?" . . . . . . . Tbh, ouch.
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