This is seeming to be a regular happening each end of the sem. I go on a writing frenzy for a few days because guess what, I'm late again. But even if I'm always late, I submit/pass just in time. I'm confident, overconfident.
Just the other day, in one of my coffee-fueled writing frenzies, I was writing about the concept of egocentrism, "personal fable". It's ironic but it's almost confirmed now that I have it. No matter what I do, I won't fail. No matter what I do, I can't fail. I'm *****, I do not fail. And yet again, at the end of another sem, here I am at 3AM in the morning, slightly panicking at the submission I just sent incomplete. I'm supposed to be working on it right now so that when my prof wakes up and sees it, it'll be complete. But here I am, writing this instead. No, this is good. It's all good. I need this to calm down, Give me this, at least. I need it to calm down. I need it. You know, I texted him last night that I was slightly panicking. Of course that was an understatement because so help me God, I was panicking, and I'm still panicking-- and my body gave up on me like it sometimes does. It just doesn't understand, "Hey body, I don't care so much about you but I care about my grades so fucking shape up." Actually the deductions aren't even gonna be that bad if I submit a perfect paper but I'm panicking and I'm spiraling and I'm filled with guilt now. Can I still make a good paper? I'll cut myself a deal, I'll do what I can in terms of this paper until 8AM. Afterwards, I'll be working on HoA. After that's done, I'll work on this again. I'm tired, so tired And it's not his fault, you know, so I shouldn't even be roping him into this. He was sad, about something. He told me. I said he was gonna be okay. (I'm not okay.) That unsettled me, I asked him if he wanted to talk. He was still outside so the signal was bad. I said, okay, I'll nap. And it really isn't his fault and I can't get the things I don't communicate enough but I wanted to be comforted, you know? To be told that all this shit is going to be alright and that I'll pass this sem, somehow. I am a horrible person and a horrible groupmate. I wanna fucking k*** myself, except I don't want to anymore. It's funny how that works. I used to. I really used to. But I don't anymore. I'm just tired, oh so very tired. And I'm guilty and tired and I know that no one else would answer me this late but I fucking want someone to talk to. I want someone to tell me I'll be okay and that it's all gonna be okay. And that this shitstorm will pass and that I don't have to be perfect, I just need to pass. I just need to do what I can. But what if I know that this is not all that I can. That I can do more but didn't or didn't have time to. I'm spiraling, I'm spiraling. It's not a fun ride and I'm typing rapidfire now to an imaginary audience, and... I'm tired, oh so very tired. But I should probably get back to this paper soon and finish it before my prof wakes up and sees it.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Notes from the author: If you'd like to have a conversation with me about anything I've written in this blog, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, memes, or anything at all, slide into my DMs at:
![]() ![]() ![]() The cover artwork featured above is used with special permission from IG: @squackoud
Special hashtags to watch out for:*** the following are specialised blog entries that have no set schedule compared to the usual bi-weekly postings.
#WednesdayWritings - drabbles, poetry, prose, short stories--- creative and expressive writing in no one's style.
#ThrowbackThursday - the cringey, the I-did-that? moments, the tear-inspiring, and the embarrassing moments of the past gone by--- available only here so shhhh...
#FreeThoughtFriday - a collection of 3AM thoughts for your collective amusement and might get you asking wtf?!
to see older posts:To view some of my older posts, there is a "previous" button hiding just below the bottom left corner of the last post of this page.
Categories
All
Archives
October 2022
|